So apparently, life goes on if you blog or not... but it sure makes for long periods of time unaccounted for. I think that this week has been the first time I've exhaled since last fall. I credit my family for holding me up and keeping my faith in many things going. Lucky me. I feel that a million years has passed in the last 4 months and I have failed the blog world. I hope that the stalker from the Netherlands has missed me. Never the less - life has changed a bit... and I have no pictures. Just some random words.
I left the Assisted Living world as a Med Tech. I watched my most precious ancient leave this world. I held her in my arms and broke the news to her that there wasn't going to be any Cheese Puff Balls in heaven. She hadn't moved in a few days, and she broke out into a smile. She left that night. I know she's happy. I have watched so many of them leave, and I was getting heart heavy, so I changed my plan.
I took a giant leap and tried for my millionth time to move to a local hospital in Labor and Delivery. This time - they wanted me - and I nearly had a stroke. I interviewed with some of the most amazing nurses, they were tough chicks, but they had to be. I sat in the waiting room with those interviewing that were 1/4th my age, and my heart sank. But I put myself out there and honestly answered the questions asked and left it all in their hands. The day I got the job I cried. I never thought I would.
I spent the next few months passing off all of my certifications to be able to be an OB tech. I get to scrub in with doctors and pass all of their lovely surgical tools, and see people come into the world instead of leave the world. I've never been so scared in my life - but felt that it was always something that the big guy upstairs helped me with every single time I bring the blade up to a doctor. There are some sad days, but I know of the plan, and I know that those precious ones that do not make it, are safe and sound, I care for their mommies and comfort them. We do need to have experiences in all things.
This new chapter has consumed me to this point. Every single spare day was spent studying, and scrubbing in, and passing off, and failing, and trying again. It stretched me to the limits of who I am and what I thought I could do. But it came as a sacrifice, as I felt I've let my family down with Grandma things and family things - with random shifts and required courses. For this I have beat myself up. Today - I have to let that go - and see that it is what needed to happen. Things may... (carefully said) chill out and I can enjoy only 3 12 hour shifts instead of endless hours. I wish my mom could have known what I've done. I wish I could be more, but I am good with the present smile at hand.
Tonight - it's a long shift. There are tiny sounds of beautiful babies from the rooms. There are moms to comfort, co-workers to team up with, and needs here and there. I work in a safe, warm, beautiful place of beauty. There are babies to bathe, heartbeats to hear, broken water stories to tell, and Lorna Doones to snack on. I have a moment to breathe. To count my blessings of this hard earned goal, and to finally wear those really fun hard earned green scrubs. I learn new lessons every time I walk into an OR. I share those moments of joy, and I, perhaps am guilty of having a tear stained mask. All worth the sacrifices. I'm excited for the new little ones that will come into our immediate family and my extended family. They are obviously going to be the cutest ones ever. Blessings.
Perhaps the Surgical Gods will allow me to be forgiven for neglecting my family - and rejoice in new plans for this new year. The leap of faith was worth it. It taught me something very important about myself, and it was a humble lesson to learn.
Gown up, it's time to work.
