Of Ships and little boats and such.....come mighty vessels.

I love that I took a moment to listen to the LDS Womens Conference report from September of 2014.  It included a talk from a lady (check out my knowledge on who it was... not)  that spoke of her and her husband were giant captions of a ship and all of their children were little boats bobbing around them in the harbor.  But those children grew up and became mighty vessels with strengths and abilities.  I love my vessels - they are indeed mighty.  Recently I enjoyed a night with some very special missionaries we served with.  We went around the table and talked of our children.  Of the 6 couples there - 5 had issues with their children - divorce, choices in their lives not in keeping with the gospel, lost children.  As I drove home that night I thought of the sacrifices that are needed to be made long ago as a young mother - and how I'm thankful that I was the meanest mom ever. We seemed to be outnumbered as to the parents that were given a glimpse into the future of good decisions.  So to my point here.....

When my kids sprout their wings and fly - and question why I wouldn't jump up and down because they are flying, soon and for good - for good things and good places - I'm questioned for my support.  Tonight I answered that child - and yes my child I will repeat myself over and over - it's not - not supporting you - it's called loving you so much it's hard to let go.  But never is it ever because I'm not incredibly proud of the great ship you've become.  It's just hard to not have you closer to my mother wings.   I will indeed enjoy all of the voyages you'll take - but my heart will always ache to have you nearby - because - you are worth that.  Thank you my little ones that gathered around a table yesterday and celebrated my birthday - and gave me that moment to see yet again - how you've all become captains of your own ships.  (Never forget your anchor - and that you are loved dearly)

Now go and set sail.

But paddle back here often

and tell me of your adventures.

...and I will look into your eyes

and see that you've become all you've

dreamed of being.

xoxo

I'm now the old speed limit old....

It's one of those reflection days.  The reflection in the mirror was a year older today - and it's humbling to think of the past year.  What a ride it's been.  Speaking of rides... nope not yet - not going to talk about that one yet.  I really do look in the mirror a lot but not for vane reasons, but rather for indications of me inside there somewhere and how I'm getting along with life.  It's interesting how when you hear your birth date said, or see it written, or on some milk carton as an expiration date - you stop and think - hey - that's MY day!

DECEMBER 3

Yep - there it is.

But the original ending date is actually December 3, 1959.  Making me the old speed limit before 65 came along, at 55.  Double 5's - big 55 - also AARP in the mail almost every week.  Let me look in the mirror and see if I'm REALLY THAT old....

When I look in the mirror - I still see my blue eyes.  They are my dad's eyes - I love that he gave me that little bit of genetic pass on.  When I wear green, they go green.  When I'm sad they go dark blue.  Then I cry that sadness out they turn bright blue.  I've seen a lot of things through those eyes. Some things I hope to never ever ever forget - first time I saw Del.... seeing him over the alter when I married him (my blue eyes love his brown eyes).....and all the 31 years of seeing him as my husband.  I hope to never forget the first time I looked at my beautiful children - wow - that was amazing - a miracle in every way - joy of my joys.  Almost as wonderful as looking at their spouses knowing that they both had a twinkle in their eyes and that meant good things ahead.  Can I ever forget looking at my grandchildren - the view was kind of blurred - because I know there were a lot of tears of joy.  Like I said, there's been a lot of things to see through those eyes.  It's important that I mention that through those eyes I've also seen pain and sadness like I've never known.  I think I was a lot stronger in the pre-existence - because I'm certainly not as strong as the promises I made in heaven.  But then when I came to this earth on December 3rd, I had that memory of strength taken from my mind and I've had to find it along the way.  I was saddest when I looked at my dad for the last time alive - even sadder when I looked at his beautiful face for the last time at his funeral.   I see my mom's eyes and I know that they sometimes don't remember my eyes.  I hide that sadness but my eyes always gave me away.  My eyes leak a lot.  I've had hard days when they don't look up to see the world.  Days where I've looked away.  Times when I've seen the cruel things of life.  It's always there to see - but I don't have to look at it.  These eyes have been good to me.  Coke bottle glasses and years of contacts over the years none the less but good to me.

Hopefully the most important thing that my eyes see are the good things that can come from seeing, actually seeing the things of life that bring light to my soul.  My soul, I believe is ageless - and is much wiser than the limitations of my human body that is a year older today.  My soul has grown in leaps and bounds this year, because I made that my goal last year.  I took that soul to places that it was safe.  I let it experience the temple every week where it could touch base with where it came from.  I let it know of joy.  I trust it to only the big guy up there to sustain it.  With that, when the winds of change - or age - come, I will see more clearly, the path to the next year.

It's already looking amazing.

Let's eat cake.

Strap down the children - the storm is here.....

It's the first really big storm of the season so I took a picture of it here:

It's a whiteout.

I love freakishly stormy days.  I turn into a nesting pile of warm clothes and there's random cups of abandoned hot chocolate mugs all around.  I turn the heat up - and Del turns it down.  I look at soup recipes and I want to make bread.  My memories of storms in Mendon take me to the front room where there were 3 windows - one each facing east, west, and north - when the storms came from the north - they were huge and frightening.  I've always lived next to a mountain range and I love watching the pending doom lower down into the valleys.  I'm thankful for shelter and warmth.

So this year - we celebrate living in our home for 25 years here in the land of storms.  This past fall we took the plunge and put a new roof on our home, new windows, and heater/central air.  Can I just say that it's made all the difference in the world??  It's quieter - and it's brighter and it's cozier .  But this post isn't about the roof or the windows or the heater, but rather what it's made me feel inside.  For many years we couldn't afford those things to be done and it was always a worry.  When we seen how bad the shingles were when they were taken off, I realized how dangerously close we came to having it come down.  When I looked out of the new windows for the first time - I didn't know the world looked that beautiful - and we didn't put any blinds up anywhere.  Wait - disclaimer - the bathroom - because no one wants to see that right?  When the heater came on - I almost cried.  We had been trying to just get by for so many years - my heart was simply full of joy.

When I think about the things I'm thankful for this year - the list could cover several blog posts.  For just one post I wanted to say how thankful I am for these little things in life that we just quickly pass over.  The storm is raging outside, and inside our house is warm and safe - that's worth a million bucks to me.  Looking out the windows I see the season changing right in front of me - and the cold wind isn't rattling our home with it's threats or attacks.  To be safe and warm - a scene we witnessed not happening on our mission on a daily basis makes me want to just stop and say - thanks big guy up there - for the simple moments of safety and clarity.  For several years we worked very hard to pay off some major things.  Now we are challenged again by pending surgeries (post to come) and repairs (post to come) and me being out of work (post to come) and all of those worries that stressing over will not make better.  I have made it a priority to be grateful for the sweet things that I do have - and that how quickly they can be taken from us.  So for today - my roof is holding and my window are allowing me to see the "Let it Go" phase of the pending season and my toes are warm.  Rejoice in the little things today - it will make all the difference, and you'll also delight in hitting the knees and telling him thanks.  Another heartwarming moment that comes from gratitude.

"The weather outside is frightful"

But inside... I'm making more hot chocolate... 

Gettin' writin' hungry

Who the HECK is managing this blog?

Obviously not me.

APRIL 23rd??  The last entry.

I should be flogged.

Several hundred things have happened in the past um... 7 months.  Apparently none of them noteworthy to blog about?  I think not.  I have actually checked my drafts and I have several - but never posted them.  Sometimes I just want to write and not let anyone see what I write, well that's kind of dumb eh?  Believe me - some of what I write is really personal and those particular blog drafts have ample amounts of snot from crying when I write them.  I just attended a Writers Workshop and fell in love again with the concept of writing.  Ok - so it's not going to be showing up anytime soon in my blog posts that I'm any good at all - but I was inspired by so many concepts of  'why we write'.  I can think of many - happy, sad, frightening, and so on.  Some write to just be heard, many write to cure their hearts of aches, many boast - what - me?  (why yes I do) But the soul purpose I love to write is because one day - parts of me will be missing - set on a shelf with some pictures and a memory here and there - but no words.  I want to leave some words.  Mind you - not words of wisdom but words that are filed away in my little filing cabinet in my head.  Over the past several months I have re-typed and entered on line all of my grandfather's and great aunt and uncles histories.  Mighty people that have rich stories of bravery, courage and ample amounts of heartache.  I am amazed at how reading those stories have made it possible to identify in me the genes they left in my family line.  It's those powerful thoughts and words that I need to leave behind one day.  If I can do that - then I will have left a little bit of them here also.  Since my April blog post I have opted to post the most valuable post of all to me - that would be the previous post to this one.  This - beyond a doubt - is where my heart and soul exists - within the arms of this family.  Unexplainable  moments of love and goodness.  To which I have hauled out all of their scrapbook totes (most people have books but I'm not that far yet), and have experienced moments that were tucked away for this particular rainy season of my life.  I see a bit of the sun now and the desire is there to let it grow again.  But my posts here on this blog will continue to be mostly outrageous, many times with not apparent reason, and may or may not be true.  The need to write the words is greater than the need to hide behind my should haves and could haves of my writing.  When I had to categorize where my writing would fall in the large scale of areas it could fall... I hesitated.  I write like I live - with no boundaries.  If by chance I make a difference in someone's thoughts or actions or even brings a smile or two - then it's a good blog post.  If it's a bad post, then it's because I'm real and I just want to have some historical account of badness I guess.  I know people that put huge posts on facebook about glory and wonderfulness - and I believe I distribute a med for that at work called - 'really?'  Get a blog people - if you are reading this then I'm super happy - it means that you actually had to press a button to actually get to this spot, not be forced to read something so sappy that you want to push the 'unlike button'.  Well there now I've done it - I've posted several secret lines in this post that I want to write about now... I need to lighten up and just write.  I think that all 2 of you that read this have really made my day for stopping in.  Now - go write something - make MY day!  

What I surround myself with...

I love this picture - it's not complete though, because their spouses and children are not pictured here and they are an intricate part of our family unit.  Lucky us.  But for a moment I have to say - DANG... this is one beautiful moment - and YOU KIDS are loved and beautiful.  But sometimes they get put in the big picture and the little intimate moments before we became a much larger family are sometimes forgotten.  This is the original 'us' which brings the most touching moments back to my heart.  Evidence that we didn't kill them is also important.... Proof that they all had braces.... also an excellent observation... but it's what you don't see that is the most important to me.... their spirits.  In a world where they could be anyone they wanted to be - they became so much more than that in so many ways.  I see now - after 30 years of parenting - that every single moment of our lives together are all wrapped up in to one eternal concept - one that will always remain "A Family".  What you don't see here are their hearts and souls - I'm not sure the picture is big enough for that.  Good human beings are so hard to find.  But Hubbie and I found 4 amazing ones in all of the yelling and screaming and grounding and - oh wait - moments of pure bliss.  Life would not be what it is today unless the big guy upstairs put this puzzle together for us.  I can't let another day pass without telling my family how much I love them - and I know that when we were teased for having 4 kids in a world where some want none - I have to just kinda say.... read 'em and weep.  THIS is God's plan right here.... and when you get these things... he sends you these things....

and bits and pieces of perfection like these...

Life - is as beautiful as the people you surround yourself with.

I think I love my surroundings.

Happy Anniversary Gomer = you still rock my world.

Gomer and I have enjoyed our 31st Wedding Anniversary today.  It was pretty exciting.  I woke up and noticed he had put a card on the counter (I worked a night shift). My heart was a flutter.  I was really hopped up because I had actually bought him a card too - so I put it next to his.  He wrote 'Nic' on mine - I wrote "Homeboy" on his.  We're kinda romantic like that.  Then we decided to meet up in the parking lot for a little mackin' - actually it was in the parking lot at my work and it was for 14.25 minutes because he had to hurry home to meet with the central air guy about a quote.  We did exchange cards during that time - and that took 12.5 minutes of the 14.25 - so use your imagination on how we used the rest of the time... we're fun like that.  Then my pager went off and I had to go run and take care of well.... other Gomers.  We went a whole day with dishes in the sink - scandalous but true.  For dinner - I reminded him that we had leftovers from Sunday - and to help himself.  Hey - we're working on a budget here.  Tonight, in the middle of the night when I arrived home I went in and wanted to snuggle, so I walked past the end of the bed to his side - and he was so scared to death from waking up and seeing a mass dressed in my white underclothes that he nearly stroked out.  Good thing I know mouth to mouth resuscitation - part of my job - but it also counted as some serious last minute making out.  Gomer and I - we get it - we know what it takes to make it - we're just hoping that one of us can remember what that is.  By the way - who in the world is taking care of this blog?  The last thing I read was some sappy brag face post about some kids that - well apparently we only have one -because only ONE of them called and said - Hey Harriet and Gomer - Happy Anniversary........ so we're cutting the rest out of the will we haven't written yet.  Well, tomorrow's another day - another moment God gave us to be together - we'll post some good time pics as soon as we have some.  Until then - he's mine - keep your paws off him. (:  Love ya Gomer.  I'm glad we still fit together... on the couch.

Going to be our tradition - until the end.

A few days late - but worth it.



So... since it's my own blog... let me boast pathetically in every way possible.... then after this one - I'll need to start posting some non serious funny things... because this is ruthlessly full of shamefully boastful comments.... and I want to keep the 5 people that read this at least somewhat interested....

Kinda drives me nuts when people go on and on and on and on about their kids like nobody's kids could ever touch how amazing their kids are and their lives are incredible and it gets all braggy and sappy and over talked about and over achieving and tremendous and outrageously talk talk talk about their kids etc..... well suck it up people because I am freaking proud of my kids.  So I've decided to boast and brag a tad.  Well - because actually I haven't got anything to do with their accomplishments so I can brag about them right?  Right, Right, Bloody well right - I've got the right to say.......... oh that use to be one of my totes fave songs..... shiny keys....

 

In one week..... mind you.......

 

My son, currently living in Washington State - with his beauty of a wife and 3 gorgeous children, called me from Singapore, where he was on a work related marathon trip.  He has been living in WA for 5.5 years now - and I've missed them with all my heart - even though every single effort has been made by then to visit and get us there to visit and calls and blogs and texts and facebook/Skype options.... it was hard not to just hang out and see the kids.  His call went like this..... "Hey mom, We're moving back to Utah - I've given Amazon my 2 weeks notice and I'll be starting at Adobe in a month.  Pinch me... I'm turning blue from not breathing.  He's nailed yet another dream job - and it's going to be in my backyard... can you say "Family pictures are going to be a lot more accessible??" I'm looking forward to many many years of noisy, beautiful, growing grandchildren.

 

My daughter, currently an Engineer, a mom, a soldiers wife, has now put herself in world class standing in Crossfit Competitions.  Can't keep up with this one.  I try to think of it as breast pumps to barbells to bombs.... and then wonder if I could possibly post that on facebook..... ya why not.  This past week upon hearing that her husband, currently deployed, was injured, and had to be flown to the states for medical care.  I watched this strong amazing woman pack up her child and catch a red eye flight to the south to be with her husband during medical tests and find out about unanswered questions.  Such strength can only be found in rare people.  I'm pleased beyond words that I know that it exists in her.  I picked her up late in the night this past week upon returning home, leaving her husband, the heartache and worry prevalent in her eyes and watched her, even though her heart was breaking and exhaustion had overwhelmed her, tenderly bring a giggle and a smile to her daughters face.  To be so strong, and so soft - is a gift.  All prayers are going to her hubby at this time - but believe me - I'm saving a few special ones for her.

 

My daughter, currently reigning as "Best Utah Food Blogger" is changing the world one delicious idea after another.  You can't go anywhere that someone doesn't say to me... Isn't your daughter Baking with Blonde?  Oh, shucks... she sure is - big smile.  If its not one channel wanting her on TV, it's another.  She's got so many plans up her sleeve.... it's amazing.  But beyond that she's also performing with the Utah Wind Symphony - and knocking the socks off of the musical world.  Serving on the Board of Directors for the Symphony - the challenges come in gigantic waves and she just steps up and amazes everyone.  In her spare time... she's the Primary President - ok - people - now I've just come off of a 2/5 year mission and they've put me in the nursery.... and I want to kill all of those children - so to have an entire room full of little ones that are not genetically linked to me - would take all I have and then some.  Most of all - in her life - she is devoted to a little guy that melts everyone's heart, and a hubby that loves them both with all his heart - lucky me - I get to see this joy coming to pass in her life.

 

My son - and the reason I decided to post a long epistle on my blog - and brag brag brag pathetically beyond all belief and not care if I do or not.... Called me yesterday.... ok wait back up.  This 4th child of mine is unique in the fact that he had to wait in heaven after making sure that all of his siblings made it here on earth - not knowing if his parents here would even consider having a 4th child and ruining his chances to come to earth.  It was made known to me after the birth of my 3rd child that there was another one on the other side of the veil waiting to come.  I know he had to come.  His life has not be easy, not in any way, but he's grown to be an exceptional person and his heavenly strengths show through on this earth.  He's married one of my 2 incredible daughter in laws - and before we even ask him how he is we always ask... how's Katie?  (:  He knows where he ranks. (:  He's chosen an career choice that is exceptional and rare - he's fought each summer for internships that could help him after graduation, each summer miracles have happened and experiences have been exceptional.  So his call last night was very tender to hear - and one that he never dreamed would happen.... He's been accepted as the recipient of the JPL Internship with NASA for this summer in California. This is exceptional news - and one that will.... ok - I'll just say it - take him to places where no man's been before, to explore....... ok - wait - it's kinda like that sweet of a deal. 

 

So why take an entire blog post to brag?  Because this past week I've wondered about many parts of my life - choices - failures - successes - dreams.... after being a mom for ever and ever - you kind of get lost and forgotten in a few ways and I wondered if I'd made the right choices, followed the right dreams.  I think that no matter what we do in our lives - we need to know that the good things we try to do - go on and on and on - and eventually become grand things - even though you are only a part of the original good thing.  To know that what I started 30 years ago as a mom - is now what it is today.... is enough for me.  I am looking at the moments that I thought I might have kill them - either by letting them ride in the back of a truck, skateboard down a long street, feed them too much sugar OR when they ate everything in the fridge, came home late, went to Panda Express during school hours (not mentioning names Mandy) or getting tickets for driving like their mom.... I'm reminded that they survived - and will survive the events that this world will put in their paths.  Each one - stayed close to their Heavenly Father - each one battled the battles of life, love, school, and mostly of me being their mom, and the mean ways of my parenting.  They'll never get over their sex education instructions from me - it's brought up mainly over holiday dinners.... frightening but true - they are all still alive.  In a week of choices to be made, moments to file, memories to document - I have found great joy in this week also.  Sometimes a person needs to write these moments down, so on stormy days, you'll always have a pocket full of sunshine to fall back on.  This week - brought ample sunshine to me.  I love you kids, you blasted, rotten, texting behind my back in your little group testing club, beautiful, successful, fun, precious souls. brag brag brag and ruthlessly exploit.....

 

 

Your Grandpa Fred would always ask you,

"Are you going to amount to somethink"

(: yes with a 'k'

so to that I say,

"You Betcha"

 

(just look at them now dad)

 

 



 

 

 

 



Enscheds Overijssel

hey - finding all you need on my blog ok?  I caught you.... and planted a small bomb.  Enjoy your day.

Some creeper - I booked them on the next Malaysian Flight to nowhere.  The rest of you - I love - seriously - just not Enscheds Overijssel

Amazing Grace...

It breaks my heart that I haven't found a moment to blog.  It's actually one of my great loves - to write random things. Sometimes I feel so bad that I haven't blogged about significant events in my families lives, about my love for them, and their amazing examples to me.  I hope they'll forgive me - and continue to have patience with me as I go on this journey of trying to fix my entire world on most days.
I made a choice this past year to spend the rest of my working life caring for others.  Those that cannot do it anymore - and for those families that have been brought to the ends of the lives of their parents.  A place where some come to live out their lives, and some to spend their last moments.  It has literally changed the human being that I thought I was.  It's created a new one, one that I can now feel like I am giving back every single day.  I have watched families torn between reality and loyalty in having their parents become part of my world.  I have tenderly cared for many that have already left this earth, and carried on, leaving those same families here to grieve their loss.  I am truly effected by this.  I have slipped into an empty room and prayed that their passing would be quick and painless.  I ask for strength to be able to hold their loved ones left here and let them weep.  I have seen beautiful souls leave the room or linger for a bit to look back.  After someone passes that I have loved... I go into their room after the family leaves, and the mortuary has left... and I spend a moment in there - where I bathed them. or fed them. or cried with them, and I thank the big guy up above for those precious moments spent there, between here, and  beyond the veil.  Sometimes weeks later, I go into their room and twirl just because I know that would make them giggle, and send a bit of joy their way.  I know they are not physically there - but more times than not, I feel their hands upon my face.  Recently - I helped a family through a very sweet time in their grandmothers end of life experience.  I watched this family - full of the knowledge that they would see her again - and listened to them celebrate her life, as they held her in their arms.  For nonstop days and nights we spent time together giving comfort and medical attention as she passed.  I was able to talk with the 50 plus family members there the night she passed - and told them how proud I was of all of them - and how the world would be a better place if they could see how they all handled this experience.  It was difficult to administer to the needs of this special person as she was passing and it became obvious to the family that she meant a great deal to me.  I listened to this family have a last moment with her, and listened to the prayers offered by them, and then cherished those last moments before peace and quiet and stillness set in.  This family was from out of state - most of them, and the other half local, and the funeral and burial were out of state.  But today - this tender family came and found me at work - they said some things that I cannot even share because they are so sacred to me.  I was told one thing I would like to share, and that is that this family said that they were inspired to come to where I work and they knew it was to meet me... (wow little old me??)  and I said in return, "No, you're wrong, you were sent here so I could meet you."  I found out that they had mentioned me at the funeral - and I could hardly hold my emotions.  They said that her favorite song was "Amazing Grace" and that they sang it at the funeral.  Today they told me - that they dedicated it to me.  Who does that?  I was beside myself.  Then they gave me a basket of things with the words 'Grace' on each one.  I don't like to say - wow lookie at me.... because I spend my life telling people - wow - lookie at you... and to encourage people to celebrate every second of life, because one day - there are no seconds left and you need to be known for what you leave behind.  It really took me quite a bit of time to compose myself today after that visit.  I thought of all of the times I think I just don't matter in so many ways... but to one sweet angel on the other side... I meant something for the last moments of her life.  I don't like to write much about my life - in a serious sense of the word, but perhaps somewhere in heaven, there's a tiny post-it note with the words "Amazing Grace" and maybe - just by chance, it's stuck there next to my name.

 

I once was lost, but now I'm found,

was blind, but now I see...

 

Thank you for one moment of clarity in an extremely difficult time Helen.

(The family allowed me to ask her to go and find my

 dad and tell him I loved him when she arrived in heaven)

(I'm pretty sure she did)

Fresh new start

My favorite things

are babies.

The hope they bring

Their innocence

their absolute miraculous little bodies

and the ability to

bring the world to a screeching halt

as you look into those beautiful eyes.

 

Welcome, my 5th grandchild

Our tiebreaker is

Noah

a wise and perfect name

MacKay

in memory of everyone's favorite person

Hillary

passing a good name on , forever.

You are loved little one