So... since it's my own blog... let me boast pathetically in every way possible.... then after this one - I'll need to start posting some non serious funny things... because this is ruthlessly full of shamefully boastful comments.... and I want to keep the 5 people that read this at least somewhat interested....

Kinda drives me nuts when people go on and on and on and on about their kids like nobody's kids could ever touch how amazing their kids are and their lives are incredible and it gets all braggy and sappy and over talked about and over achieving and tremendous and outrageously talk talk talk about their kids etc..... well suck it up people because I am freaking proud of my kids.  So I've decided to boast and brag a tad.  Well - because actually I haven't got anything to do with their accomplishments so I can brag about them right?  Right, Right, Bloody well right - I've got the right to say.......... oh that use to be one of my totes fave songs..... shiny keys....

 

In one week..... mind you.......

 

My son, currently living in Washington State - with his beauty of a wife and 3 gorgeous children, called me from Singapore, where he was on a work related marathon trip.  He has been living in WA for 5.5 years now - and I've missed them with all my heart - even though every single effort has been made by then to visit and get us there to visit and calls and blogs and texts and facebook/Skype options.... it was hard not to just hang out and see the kids.  His call went like this..... "Hey mom, We're moving back to Utah - I've given Amazon my 2 weeks notice and I'll be starting at Adobe in a month.  Pinch me... I'm turning blue from not breathing.  He's nailed yet another dream job - and it's going to be in my backyard... can you say "Family pictures are going to be a lot more accessible??" I'm looking forward to many many years of noisy, beautiful, growing grandchildren.

 

My daughter, currently an Engineer, a mom, a soldiers wife, has now put herself in world class standing in Crossfit Competitions.  Can't keep up with this one.  I try to think of it as breast pumps to barbells to bombs.... and then wonder if I could possibly post that on facebook..... ya why not.  This past week upon hearing that her husband, currently deployed, was injured, and had to be flown to the states for medical care.  I watched this strong amazing woman pack up her child and catch a red eye flight to the south to be with her husband during medical tests and find out about unanswered questions.  Such strength can only be found in rare people.  I'm pleased beyond words that I know that it exists in her.  I picked her up late in the night this past week upon returning home, leaving her husband, the heartache and worry prevalent in her eyes and watched her, even though her heart was breaking and exhaustion had overwhelmed her, tenderly bring a giggle and a smile to her daughters face.  To be so strong, and so soft - is a gift.  All prayers are going to her hubby at this time - but believe me - I'm saving a few special ones for her.

 

My daughter, currently reigning as "Best Utah Food Blogger" is changing the world one delicious idea after another.  You can't go anywhere that someone doesn't say to me... Isn't your daughter Baking with Blonde?  Oh, shucks... she sure is - big smile.  If its not one channel wanting her on TV, it's another.  She's got so many plans up her sleeve.... it's amazing.  But beyond that she's also performing with the Utah Wind Symphony - and knocking the socks off of the musical world.  Serving on the Board of Directors for the Symphony - the challenges come in gigantic waves and she just steps up and amazes everyone.  In her spare time... she's the Primary President - ok - people - now I've just come off of a 2/5 year mission and they've put me in the nursery.... and I want to kill all of those children - so to have an entire room full of little ones that are not genetically linked to me - would take all I have and then some.  Most of all - in her life - she is devoted to a little guy that melts everyone's heart, and a hubby that loves them both with all his heart - lucky me - I get to see this joy coming to pass in her life.

 

My son - and the reason I decided to post a long epistle on my blog - and brag brag brag pathetically beyond all belief and not care if I do or not.... Called me yesterday.... ok wait back up.  This 4th child of mine is unique in the fact that he had to wait in heaven after making sure that all of his siblings made it here on earth - not knowing if his parents here would even consider having a 4th child and ruining his chances to come to earth.  It was made known to me after the birth of my 3rd child that there was another one on the other side of the veil waiting to come.  I know he had to come.  His life has not be easy, not in any way, but he's grown to be an exceptional person and his heavenly strengths show through on this earth.  He's married one of my 2 incredible daughter in laws - and before we even ask him how he is we always ask... how's Katie?  (:  He knows where he ranks. (:  He's chosen an career choice that is exceptional and rare - he's fought each summer for internships that could help him after graduation, each summer miracles have happened and experiences have been exceptional.  So his call last night was very tender to hear - and one that he never dreamed would happen.... He's been accepted as the recipient of the JPL Internship with NASA for this summer in California. This is exceptional news - and one that will.... ok - I'll just say it - take him to places where no man's been before, to explore....... ok - wait - it's kinda like that sweet of a deal. 

 

So why take an entire blog post to brag?  Because this past week I've wondered about many parts of my life - choices - failures - successes - dreams.... after being a mom for ever and ever - you kind of get lost and forgotten in a few ways and I wondered if I'd made the right choices, followed the right dreams.  I think that no matter what we do in our lives - we need to know that the good things we try to do - go on and on and on - and eventually become grand things - even though you are only a part of the original good thing.  To know that what I started 30 years ago as a mom - is now what it is today.... is enough for me.  I am looking at the moments that I thought I might have kill them - either by letting them ride in the back of a truck, skateboard down a long street, feed them too much sugar OR when they ate everything in the fridge, came home late, went to Panda Express during school hours (not mentioning names Mandy) or getting tickets for driving like their mom.... I'm reminded that they survived - and will survive the events that this world will put in their paths.  Each one - stayed close to their Heavenly Father - each one battled the battles of life, love, school, and mostly of me being their mom, and the mean ways of my parenting.  They'll never get over their sex education instructions from me - it's brought up mainly over holiday dinners.... frightening but true - they are all still alive.  In a week of choices to be made, moments to file, memories to document - I have found great joy in this week also.  Sometimes a person needs to write these moments down, so on stormy days, you'll always have a pocket full of sunshine to fall back on.  This week - brought ample sunshine to me.  I love you kids, you blasted, rotten, texting behind my back in your little group testing club, beautiful, successful, fun, precious souls. brag brag brag and ruthlessly exploit.....

 

 

Your Grandpa Fred would always ask you,

"Are you going to amount to somethink"

(: yes with a 'k'

so to that I say,

"You Betcha"

 

(just look at them now dad)

 

 



 

 

 

 



Enscheds Overijssel

hey - finding all you need on my blog ok?  I caught you.... and planted a small bomb.  Enjoy your day.

Some creeper - I booked them on the next Malaysian Flight to nowhere.  The rest of you - I love - seriously - just not Enscheds Overijssel

Amazing Grace...

It breaks my heart that I haven't found a moment to blog.  It's actually one of my great loves - to write random things. Sometimes I feel so bad that I haven't blogged about significant events in my families lives, about my love for them, and their amazing examples to me.  I hope they'll forgive me - and continue to have patience with me as I go on this journey of trying to fix my entire world on most days.
I made a choice this past year to spend the rest of my working life caring for others.  Those that cannot do it anymore - and for those families that have been brought to the ends of the lives of their parents.  A place where some come to live out their lives, and some to spend their last moments.  It has literally changed the human being that I thought I was.  It's created a new one, one that I can now feel like I am giving back every single day.  I have watched families torn between reality and loyalty in having their parents become part of my world.  I have tenderly cared for many that have already left this earth, and carried on, leaving those same families here to grieve their loss.  I am truly effected by this.  I have slipped into an empty room and prayed that their passing would be quick and painless.  I ask for strength to be able to hold their loved ones left here and let them weep.  I have seen beautiful souls leave the room or linger for a bit to look back.  After someone passes that I have loved... I go into their room after the family leaves, and the mortuary has left... and I spend a moment in there - where I bathed them. or fed them. or cried with them, and I thank the big guy up above for those precious moments spent there, between here, and  beyond the veil.  Sometimes weeks later, I go into their room and twirl just because I know that would make them giggle, and send a bit of joy their way.  I know they are not physically there - but more times than not, I feel their hands upon my face.  Recently - I helped a family through a very sweet time in their grandmothers end of life experience.  I watched this family - full of the knowledge that they would see her again - and listened to them celebrate her life, as they held her in their arms.  For nonstop days and nights we spent time together giving comfort and medical attention as she passed.  I was able to talk with the 50 plus family members there the night she passed - and told them how proud I was of all of them - and how the world would be a better place if they could see how they all handled this experience.  It was difficult to administer to the needs of this special person as she was passing and it became obvious to the family that she meant a great deal to me.  I listened to this family have a last moment with her, and listened to the prayers offered by them, and then cherished those last moments before peace and quiet and stillness set in.  This family was from out of state - most of them, and the other half local, and the funeral and burial were out of state.  But today - this tender family came and found me at work - they said some things that I cannot even share because they are so sacred to me.  I was told one thing I would like to share, and that is that this family said that they were inspired to come to where I work and they knew it was to meet me... (wow little old me??)  and I said in return, "No, you're wrong, you were sent here so I could meet you."  I found out that they had mentioned me at the funeral - and I could hardly hold my emotions.  They said that her favorite song was "Amazing Grace" and that they sang it at the funeral.  Today they told me - that they dedicated it to me.  Who does that?  I was beside myself.  Then they gave me a basket of things with the words 'Grace' on each one.  I don't like to say - wow lookie at me.... because I spend my life telling people - wow - lookie at you... and to encourage people to celebrate every second of life, because one day - there are no seconds left and you need to be known for what you leave behind.  It really took me quite a bit of time to compose myself today after that visit.  I thought of all of the times I think I just don't matter in so many ways... but to one sweet angel on the other side... I meant something for the last moments of her life.  I don't like to write much about my life - in a serious sense of the word, but perhaps somewhere in heaven, there's a tiny post-it note with the words "Amazing Grace" and maybe - just by chance, it's stuck there next to my name.

 

I once was lost, but now I'm found,

was blind, but now I see...

 

Thank you for one moment of clarity in an extremely difficult time Helen.

(The family allowed me to ask her to go and find my

 dad and tell him I loved him when she arrived in heaven)

(I'm pretty sure she did)

Fresh new start

My favorite things

are babies.

The hope they bring

Their innocence

their absolute miraculous little bodies

and the ability to

bring the world to a screeching halt

as you look into those beautiful eyes.

 

Welcome, my 5th grandchild

Our tiebreaker is

Noah

a wise and perfect name

MacKay

in memory of everyone's favorite person

Hillary

passing a good name on , forever.

You are loved little one

I could sure use some pie...

Oh lookie - I'm down to just posting on holidays now.... sad but true, life has taken over.  I guess that means that I'm still alive though right?  The holidays are so sentimental to me - I want to do things a certain way for a certain memory I cling to.  I fret about making it all work out and being able to cover all of the bases.  Fatigue usually sets in and then I get down on myself - even for trying to do something right.  This year all of my beautiful children and their loves will be at their in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Here's what I love about that.... They have married people that have such amazing families that I know that if they are not with me, that they are in the next best place on earth as to people that love them.  I love all of my kids in-laws - we hit the jackpot there folks.  Such amazing people - busy raising amazing kids - and loving my kids along the way.  Tonight my son Ryan's in-laws are here from California.  Since my kids are all away tomorrow, we had a little sit down suppertime together with all of us and the Lowreys.   There was plenty of food and laughs and noise, babies and love.  There was hysterical skyping to WA, and at the heart of it, one sorely missed soldier that we love so much.  It is good to know that tomorrow when they are all away, that I will have tonight's love in my heart.  It is enough.  Tomorrow my brother will host my mom at his house - I know that his home will be filled with her love and her sweet spirit.  I know that she will be warm, and my heart will still ache for her and yet she'll have a wonderful meal and enjoy a perfect day.  I am grateful for that.  It is hard to not be there, but I know it's enough.  I left retail world this year, I've missed posting my Black Friday shopping rant, but not the job.  My new job allows me to come home at night, be it late evening or late late night... feeling like I cared for precious people who depend on me.  It will be the first in 13 years that I haven't cried for 48 hours because of retail Friday... I will still work on Thanksgiving, and where I work now is very hard and demanding, but it is enough.  This past year losing dad was very hard.  It was the beginning of a landslide for me in more ways than one.  I have changed in many ways.  I feel that I have stepped into a dark room and I cannot find the light  On this day - a very very busy day, being totally exhausted, and emotionally drained, I decided to go to the temple first thing this morning before it closed early.  There I felt like there was a tiny bit of love left in my heart to perhaps start over.  I hope it's enough.  I have had a lot of crazy thoughts on face book just for fun this year - it's how I hide my pain - just laughing... but when all is said and done - my family is my life, my loves.  I see them and I say - wow - did I do enough, give them enough, and show them enough to pass on some good things to them?   As I write this I think... it was enough.  They, and their families, are the most amazing human beings I know.  Hang on tight kids.  Don't forget the good things about life.  Show gratitude in all things.  Be  humble in your doings.  Always love each other, always know you are loved.  Remember all I taught you, and forgive me for what I didn't - but most of all remember what you watched me do and pass that on.  I will miss you tomorrow but my heart is happy.... and if you all got a copy of the spread sheet Mandy has put together for 'Holidays - here or there' representing the next 10 years ... I'll see you around the table next year, and we'll kill the fatted turkey.  ... and that will be enough.

Almost Creeper Day....

I do love my Halloween.

I love the color - October - it needs to be a Crayola

boxful of crayons just for Fall.

Today the leaves were so bright I had to almost wear sunglasses.  The wind picked up and the old familiar "Come Little Leaves" song came to my mind and took me back over the many years of memories.  I am a bit confused at times... going to get Halloween candy and finding a small area right next to the Christmas decorations.  Every night I plug in my little purple lights and my plastic pumpkins and shut the lights off.  I absolutely love the glow of the lights together.  I have at least 4 containers of apple juice for cider, and my mugs are all ready to fill with it's cinnamon flavor.  I love caramel apples, and how stick your fingers get after you eat one.  I remember being a lot of different things for Halloween.  My parents couldn't really afford costumes so it was anything goes.  It was fun and creative and exciting.  One year I actually was running to a door to trick or treat and didn't know that they had put up a barbed wire fence to keep someone from falling into the ditch right behind the fence.... it was not a pretty sight when they found me.  I think that the only thing that saved me was the plastic Little Red Riding Hood mask I had on.  The guy at the door ran out and felt awful and gave me extra candy.  (today - would have been a law suit) (but I liked the extra candy)  I always feel bad for Thanksgiving..... not so many decorations, not as creepy and mysterious..... just a turkey.  I think Thanksgiving was jipped on décor things.  Well - time to check the temp on the cider.  I miss the years of being a kid, of watching my kids, and missing seeing my 2 WA grand kids.  But I think I get to see a couple of spooks from the family line on Thursday night.  Be safe out there kiddos, make good memories, write about them, paste a picture or two in a book.  Keep the monsters under the bed at hand, and no matter what...

don't open the closet door.

And the 'D's have it...

 

Yah, so.... kinDa obsesseD with the letter D today.

It's gotta be a FriDay for me to be this crazy.

 

D today represented...

 

All of the 'Do not's" that were texted to me from my work, to the general staff in general.  Even though it has absolutely nothing to do with me - after a long long long week of Doing things right,

I still get the don't do this and don't do that.  How about - amazing work this week - and thanks for all of the sacrifices you've made to make sure it was all done right.... Directors... whaddevah..

 

Deployment - 4th for Mike - really really don't like this D word.  I stand in the mirror and put on my brave face for my beautiful daughter who I know is standing in front of the mirror icing her swollen cry eyes, and what she doesn't know is that I have ice of my own because I can't stop crying either.

 

D represents Dur dur dur... yesterday while cycling - my monitor came off my bike somewhere on the road... when I looked down to calculate my ride, I may have said the "d" word really loud.  I rode back the same way I came and searched the 25 miles of stupid leaves at the side of the road.  darnit.

 

D is a vision in "didn't you have the whole entire day off dear husband and I'm loading the dishwasher (oh look another d word!) after my 9 hour shift?"  Detergent is also a d word.

 

D is a GOOD word because sometimes I call my beautiful Darling grandson Drew.  That's actually the sweetest D word I know.  I also have a fave M, E, and J and T (for tiebreaker) word - but that's for another letter day.

 

D reminds me of Dad - 2 d's in that word.  I have this stupid belief that I still want him to show up at the end of the bed, and tell me that everything will be ok.  But I know somehow in my silly mind that I think he's disappointed in me and will never come say gooD bye.

 

D... really was found in my discouragement this week with myself, my life, my time, my desires to somehow live a different life than I do.  To follow some Dreams.  Is there a D in Vacation?  Haven't haD one of those for many years.  Decided that I'm Destin to be Driving to work every single Day anD passing by those stupid cars loaded with people going to Disneyland and making me saD. 

 

D reminds me of Dementia, or Damentia, and Days gone by of memories lost and Desires to recreate history to preserve it.  Dawning Days of Disbelief. 

 

Oh and Dandilions..... and ocD... because out of no where I thought of those.  I didn't know where they fit in but there they were.  Shiney keys...

 

I have learned something in life thought about D.... it also is the first letter in Duck, and I know that the old saying "like water off a ducks back" is probably just what the Doctor ordered for me.

 

Ranting about the letter D, refreshing to Dump it off in a blog and call it a Day.

(yes.. I did take my Vitamin D today)