When I was a little girl I would earn money for tending other people's children. Funny, because I'm the kid that was/is afraid of being alone, AND being scared to death of the dark. I would earn 35 cents an hour - and sometimes that was for 3-4 children. I was fine right up to the point that all of the children were tucked in bed asleep that I realized I was in a strange house, alone, (well being the oldest person in the room at 12 or 13) and yes, it was dark. I would flip the channels on the TV, make sure the house was clean and dishes done and put away - rooms tidied up - basically working myself through the fears. But eventually reality would set in and I would become scared. I've always been a scaredy cat - probably always will be. I remember when my husband would travel for work for a week at a time several times a year - I would lay awake and just watch over the kids. I know, weird. After my children married and left the nest - when hubby would travel I would just stay awake all night - and try to take a nap during the day so I could then again stay awake again the next night. I would have all of the lights on and the music on and the tv going..... I know, weird. I don't think I will ever change. I don't like to be alone. I can't stay in my parents home now they are gone, alone - because it's an interesting home. I'm pretty sure I'll need to cross to the other side before my husband does because I refuse to be here alone without him.
So, ironically, today I'm a sitter. I work at a hospital in Labor and Delivery. Some weeks we have a lot of babies and some weeks we are looking for pregnant women on the street to bring in to have their babies. Ok kidding. But due to scheduling we are called off out shifts and we have to use filler time off or we can be reassigned to another area of the hospital. I've been in the ER and ICU as a sitter. Sitting with patients that come in that are suicidal, overcoming overdoses, sometimes because of the effects of alcoholism, some from other severe needs that require 24 hour presence in the room. We are required at my hospital to take a De-acceleration course to be allowed in these excessive situations. Because of HIPPA laws I cannot comment on any patient by name or id but I can say that I've seen some pretty sad situations. Sometimes my heart breaks, sometimes it makes me very angry at what people allow happen to their lives. I guess I'm no different - being scared of the dark and of being alone, but there are more frightening things out there that people endure. Today I'm sitting with someone that is withdrawing from alcohol. This person can talk to me in random jibberish, but the words that I do recognize are fear, and home, and alone and darkness. I watch them finally sleep - letting the medicine to help them work their magic on their mind and body. It's a sweet sleep - no frantic fighting or fear of being left behind. The need to be somewhere, the devastation that no one has come to find them. Today is hard to watch. I document things on a 15 minute basis - on a number system, vitals are taken, safety is an issue, for them, and for me. Today I'm getting time and a half to be a sitter - a long shot from those years past. But I find myself tidying up the room, turning the lights on, changing the channel on the TV, trying to stay awake.... and the fears of my past and my present are still alive in me. When the darkness comes, this patient will be awake, fighting the fight to be released. As I look at them sleeping now - they are beautiful. They are someone's child. No one would know the battle within from the peaceful sleeping human under the blankets. I wish there was some kind of peace for them. I take these images home in my mind and I have to file them away. I think I'll stick with the babies... but now and then I need to be a sitter. Because if I don't sit with them, they'll be alone. Being alone is not something anyone should ever be. If you're alone, I'll be there for you. I might have the TV on, the lights on and be wide awake at 2 AM... but you won't be alone. Take a minute and reach out to someone before they become the person in fetal position in the bed inches from me. Everyone is worth it.
Every electric bill is worth light, sound, and company. (:
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