Life in a Box

Well... as my mother entered the stage in her life that she would no longer remember why she had 400 boxes of family histories, pictures, town histories, weather reports, more pictures, more histories, letters, cards, decorations, more pictures, someone else's histories I can't identify, more pictures, and several hundred Ensigns...... tragic.

This meant that it would require sorting.  Sorting things into, needed, not needed, pass it on to someone who cares, no one cares about, really - you saved this, does anyone know you actually have this information, does anyone know this exists, and WTFreak?  A daunting task.  A couple of years ago my sister-in-law (bless her soul) and I started with the top level of hoarding - er um.... treasures.  We would actually have to dispose of things in bags and take them somewhere or we would find them back in the house a week later from the garbage.  After dad passed on this process kind of was put on the back burner (believe me - some of it was burned).  My winter goal was to sort the 'really important family things' so that I could pass it on to family members where they need to be and not in a musty basement.  My mom seemed to have a love for saving the world one box full of love at a time.  But to me it felt like she spent more time with the dead than the living - and the dead - they just don't care.  So I wanted to get this done fast so that I could live among the living and do my own children's books before life takes my memories, stories and moments away from me.  (why did I go upstairs again?)  I have found more information about my cousins than I've ever found about Eric and I combined.  It's ok - I understand in many ways more than she knew I did - but I promised I would finish  her work for her.  The process has been very eye opening - and happy and sad and well - actually I think her plan was for me to know more than I did about their life - so she left me her boxes.

I typed up all of the Hill histories, and started on the Bowen ones - and posted them on the LDS family history site - so that I didn't have to make 25 copies of everything and stack them in a .... box.  Check...

I scanned pictures and they'll go up next - so I don't have to make 25 color copies and stack them in a .... box.  Check Check...

I made sure each aunt and uncles oldest child will have a copy of the history of the Hills and Bowens back to our friends Adam and Eve and they can find their own stack and put them in a... box.  Check Check and Check...

I put a box of Eric's things in a giant box... and I put mine in a small envelope - I swear I was adopted.  and Check again... (was I adopted?)

I sorted out every obituary from the Mendon City Cemetery to give to the Sexton of the town (which would be my brother Eric)... they're in their own... box.  (and will go in his basement)  Giggle Check...

I found things mom borrowed from people to copy and never returned.  Some were pictures we'll never ever ever ever know who they are.... so I stacked them to be returned in a ... box.

I filed many many many many things in the trash.  I decided to not collect the history of mankind and the weather reports from Cache Valley for the past 100 years.  (pretty sure they are stacked in a box in the weather library somewhere)

I found my parents histories and I want to spend more time there - because they were wonderful people... until I found some letters.... and I was really disturbed by a few of them.  Letters from different family members to each other that were hurtful and horribly mean letters to each other in a giant argument.  It hurt to read their words and it made me very angry to know that people could treat ones they loved with such hurtful words.  The last time I was in the home I sat there and looked at their pictures on the wall and I cried.  I felt sad feelings I've never felt before.  I was.... angry. Now mind you I've written a poison pen letter or two or ten maybe.  I'm no innocent little thing - but these letters were some I probably should never have found. I found myself being angry at my father - and it answered a lot of questions I've had lately about how he felt about me then... and even now.  Sometimes we should be careful what we find in boxes...  Thoughts for yet another entry - but for now - I think my mom collected things about other people's happiness because it was the thing that made her the happiest - more than anything.  I get it now mom - I understand why you left those boxes.  The world looks a little more clear now.  I know of your love for me.  Maybe now I can let go of a lot of things and move on.  I want my children to read my journals and letters and KNOW they were loved beyond words, and that their children are precious to me in every way.  Lessons Learned...from a box.  (mental check list)

Meanwhile - I still have 12 boxes of Hill stuff - and 4 boxes of Bowen stuff  (and who did she love more??)  I have learned great lessons from this experience and I can hardly wait to return those boxes that are now piled at my house - back to her house.  It's time to start working on the living....  because right now - their stuff is still... in a box.

Recently I spent a day with my daughter letting her sort through her boxes and decide what she wanted to keep in a book and what just didn't matter.  It may matter to me but not so much to her - and that was the beauty of it, we only kept what she wanted!  We spent the time telling stories of the pictures or the events and reliving the happy and sad.  We were able to discuss what we learned from experiences that perhaps we were not able to clear up, and we talked of the 'what would have been if..' moments.  These are 'treasure boxes' now - the ones that should and will be passed on.  Yes - it will take some time to finish up - but the outlook is good because I'm thinking 'outside the box'.

"The clearest picture is one taken and kept in the heart"

We had our family pictures taken this year at a wonderful spot, with wonderful weather, and all dressed to the 9's for the picture.  But I cannot get a big picture of that moment because of some random issue that I'll just leave at that (grrrrr).  But then this picture came along, and I've decided that even though Ryan and Del have their faces half cut off - it's actually the most beautiful picture to me in the world.  Here are the loves of my life.  Aren't they most excellent?  I think so.  This is the first dinner around a table at Matt and Bethany's new home.  The table is set with little memories of our family... obviously, a McDonald's coke, obviously something that is in a beer shaped bottle but isn't beer..., mementos from a grandmother here and there, and food to absolutely die for.  But it's what's around this table that is priceless and extremely important to me.  When Del and I started our family 31 years ago - if we could have jumped forward to this picture and see what would be... we would have started 32 years ago instead.... or 33 or 34 or 35.... well - ok - we hadn't met yet but we would have still started then...  We may not have many things in life - but we are rich in abundance of love and family... and even the families of those our children married into.  Rich I say.  There are secrets around this table too - some I will not utter... and some I will shout from the rooftops in due time.  This will be our last dinner together like this for a while as we will lose 2 to California.  Wait - we just got 5 here from Seattle, and now we're losing 2?  Maybe we'll convince them to visit often to feast with us.  This table holds great blessings - Mike is with us and we're not letting the Army take him again.  We continually pray for Bethany's health and are amazed at her ability to be so strong and able to to all she needs to do.  Everyone at this table is employed - and in this world that in itself is a blessing - and they are all hard workers.  Around this table are blessings of the gospel - each one serving in different positions in the Church of Jesus Christ - yep - the Mormons.  (I am one I know it I love it) (do you want to know too?) (we're available)  Around this table are miracles... of lives spared, and loves strengthened, and hope in abundance.  Around this table are the grandchildren that will be responsible for passing on this legacy - they are fiercely protected by all of us and are smothered with kisses every chance taken.  The best times of our lives as a family have been spent around a table somewhere talking over each other, passing on stories of life, laughing.  Joy, is around this table.  As this year starts - it's important to build upon our relationships, to secure our faiths, to give back to this world, to love unconditionally.  I'm pretty sure this particular family, that I love, and adore, and celebrate... is up for that task.  2015 - make it your best effort yet.  

Of Ships and little boats and such.....come mighty vessels.

I love that I took a moment to listen to the LDS Womens Conference report from September of 2014.  It included a talk from a lady (check out my knowledge on who it was... not)  that spoke of her and her husband were giant captions of a ship and all of their children were little boats bobbing around them in the harbor.  But those children grew up and became mighty vessels with strengths and abilities.  I love my vessels - they are indeed mighty.  Recently I enjoyed a night with some very special missionaries we served with.  We went around the table and talked of our children.  Of the 6 couples there - 5 had issues with their children - divorce, choices in their lives not in keeping with the gospel, lost children.  As I drove home that night I thought of the sacrifices that are needed to be made long ago as a young mother - and how I'm thankful that I was the meanest mom ever. We seemed to be outnumbered as to the parents that were given a glimpse into the future of good decisions.  So to my point here.....

When my kids sprout their wings and fly - and question why I wouldn't jump up and down because they are flying, soon and for good - for good things and good places - I'm questioned for my support.  Tonight I answered that child - and yes my child I will repeat myself over and over - it's not - not supporting you - it's called loving you so much it's hard to let go.  But never is it ever because I'm not incredibly proud of the great ship you've become.  It's just hard to not have you closer to my mother wings.   I will indeed enjoy all of the voyages you'll take - but my heart will always ache to have you nearby - because - you are worth that.  Thank you my little ones that gathered around a table yesterday and celebrated my birthday - and gave me that moment to see yet again - how you've all become captains of your own ships.  (Never forget your anchor - and that you are loved dearly)

Now go and set sail.

But paddle back here often

and tell me of your adventures.

...and I will look into your eyes

and see that you've become all you've

dreamed of being.

xoxo

I'm now the old speed limit old....

It's one of those reflection days.  The reflection in the mirror was a year older today - and it's humbling to think of the past year.  What a ride it's been.  Speaking of rides... nope not yet - not going to talk about that one yet.  I really do look in the mirror a lot but not for vane reasons, but rather for indications of me inside there somewhere and how I'm getting along with life.  It's interesting how when you hear your birth date said, or see it written, or on some milk carton as an expiration date - you stop and think - hey - that's MY day!

DECEMBER 3

Yep - there it is.

But the original ending date is actually December 3, 1959.  Making me the old speed limit before 65 came along, at 55.  Double 5's - big 55 - also AARP in the mail almost every week.  Let me look in the mirror and see if I'm REALLY THAT old....

When I look in the mirror - I still see my blue eyes.  They are my dad's eyes - I love that he gave me that little bit of genetic pass on.  When I wear green, they go green.  When I'm sad they go dark blue.  Then I cry that sadness out they turn bright blue.  I've seen a lot of things through those eyes. Some things I hope to never ever ever forget - first time I saw Del.... seeing him over the alter when I married him (my blue eyes love his brown eyes).....and all the 31 years of seeing him as my husband.  I hope to never forget the first time I looked at my beautiful children - wow - that was amazing - a miracle in every way - joy of my joys.  Almost as wonderful as looking at their spouses knowing that they both had a twinkle in their eyes and that meant good things ahead.  Can I ever forget looking at my grandchildren - the view was kind of blurred - because I know there were a lot of tears of joy.  Like I said, there's been a lot of things to see through those eyes.  It's important that I mention that through those eyes I've also seen pain and sadness like I've never known.  I think I was a lot stronger in the pre-existence - because I'm certainly not as strong as the promises I made in heaven.  But then when I came to this earth on December 3rd, I had that memory of strength taken from my mind and I've had to find it along the way.  I was saddest when I looked at my dad for the last time alive - even sadder when I looked at his beautiful face for the last time at his funeral.   I see my mom's eyes and I know that they sometimes don't remember my eyes.  I hide that sadness but my eyes always gave me away.  My eyes leak a lot.  I've had hard days when they don't look up to see the world.  Days where I've looked away.  Times when I've seen the cruel things of life.  It's always there to see - but I don't have to look at it.  These eyes have been good to me.  Coke bottle glasses and years of contacts over the years none the less but good to me.

Hopefully the most important thing that my eyes see are the good things that can come from seeing, actually seeing the things of life that bring light to my soul.  My soul, I believe is ageless - and is much wiser than the limitations of my human body that is a year older today.  My soul has grown in leaps and bounds this year, because I made that my goal last year.  I took that soul to places that it was safe.  I let it experience the temple every week where it could touch base with where it came from.  I let it know of joy.  I trust it to only the big guy up there to sustain it.  With that, when the winds of change - or age - come, I will see more clearly, the path to the next year.

It's already looking amazing.

Let's eat cake.

Strap down the children - the storm is here.....

It's the first really big storm of the season so I took a picture of it here:

It's a whiteout.

I love freakishly stormy days.  I turn into a nesting pile of warm clothes and there's random cups of abandoned hot chocolate mugs all around.  I turn the heat up - and Del turns it down.  I look at soup recipes and I want to make bread.  My memories of storms in Mendon take me to the front room where there were 3 windows - one each facing east, west, and north - when the storms came from the north - they were huge and frightening.  I've always lived next to a mountain range and I love watching the pending doom lower down into the valleys.  I'm thankful for shelter and warmth.

So this year - we celebrate living in our home for 25 years here in the land of storms.  This past fall we took the plunge and put a new roof on our home, new windows, and heater/central air.  Can I just say that it's made all the difference in the world??  It's quieter - and it's brighter and it's cozier .  But this post isn't about the roof or the windows or the heater, but rather what it's made me feel inside.  For many years we couldn't afford those things to be done and it was always a worry.  When we seen how bad the shingles were when they were taken off, I realized how dangerously close we came to having it come down.  When I looked out of the new windows for the first time - I didn't know the world looked that beautiful - and we didn't put any blinds up anywhere.  Wait - disclaimer - the bathroom - because no one wants to see that right?  When the heater came on - I almost cried.  We had been trying to just get by for so many years - my heart was simply full of joy.

When I think about the things I'm thankful for this year - the list could cover several blog posts.  For just one post I wanted to say how thankful I am for these little things in life that we just quickly pass over.  The storm is raging outside, and inside our house is warm and safe - that's worth a million bucks to me.  Looking out the windows I see the season changing right in front of me - and the cold wind isn't rattling our home with it's threats or attacks.  To be safe and warm - a scene we witnessed not happening on our mission on a daily basis makes me want to just stop and say - thanks big guy up there - for the simple moments of safety and clarity.  For several years we worked very hard to pay off some major things.  Now we are challenged again by pending surgeries (post to come) and repairs (post to come) and me being out of work (post to come) and all of those worries that stressing over will not make better.  I have made it a priority to be grateful for the sweet things that I do have - and that how quickly they can be taken from us.  So for today - my roof is holding and my window are allowing me to see the "Let it Go" phase of the pending season and my toes are warm.  Rejoice in the little things today - it will make all the difference, and you'll also delight in hitting the knees and telling him thanks.  Another heartwarming moment that comes from gratitude.

"The weather outside is frightful"

But inside... I'm making more hot chocolate... 

Gettin' writin' hungry

Who the HECK is managing this blog?

Obviously not me.

APRIL 23rd??  The last entry.

I should be flogged.

Several hundred things have happened in the past um... 7 months.  Apparently none of them noteworthy to blog about?  I think not.  I have actually checked my drafts and I have several - but never posted them.  Sometimes I just want to write and not let anyone see what I write, well that's kind of dumb eh?  Believe me - some of what I write is really personal and those particular blog drafts have ample amounts of snot from crying when I write them.  I just attended a Writers Workshop and fell in love again with the concept of writing.  Ok - so it's not going to be showing up anytime soon in my blog posts that I'm any good at all - but I was inspired by so many concepts of  'why we write'.  I can think of many - happy, sad, frightening, and so on.  Some write to just be heard, many write to cure their hearts of aches, many boast - what - me?  (why yes I do) But the soul purpose I love to write is because one day - parts of me will be missing - set on a shelf with some pictures and a memory here and there - but no words.  I want to leave some words.  Mind you - not words of wisdom but words that are filed away in my little filing cabinet in my head.  Over the past several months I have re-typed and entered on line all of my grandfather's and great aunt and uncles histories.  Mighty people that have rich stories of bravery, courage and ample amounts of heartache.  I am amazed at how reading those stories have made it possible to identify in me the genes they left in my family line.  It's those powerful thoughts and words that I need to leave behind one day.  If I can do that - then I will have left a little bit of them here also.  Since my April blog post I have opted to post the most valuable post of all to me - that would be the previous post to this one.  This - beyond a doubt - is where my heart and soul exists - within the arms of this family.  Unexplainable  moments of love and goodness.  To which I have hauled out all of their scrapbook totes (most people have books but I'm not that far yet), and have experienced moments that were tucked away for this particular rainy season of my life.  I see a bit of the sun now and the desire is there to let it grow again.  But my posts here on this blog will continue to be mostly outrageous, many times with not apparent reason, and may or may not be true.  The need to write the words is greater than the need to hide behind my should haves and could haves of my writing.  When I had to categorize where my writing would fall in the large scale of areas it could fall... I hesitated.  I write like I live - with no boundaries.  If by chance I make a difference in someone's thoughts or actions or even brings a smile or two - then it's a good blog post.  If it's a bad post, then it's because I'm real and I just want to have some historical account of badness I guess.  I know people that put huge posts on facebook about glory and wonderfulness - and I believe I distribute a med for that at work called - 'really?'  Get a blog people - if you are reading this then I'm super happy - it means that you actually had to press a button to actually get to this spot, not be forced to read something so sappy that you want to push the 'unlike button'.  Well there now I've done it - I've posted several secret lines in this post that I want to write about now... I need to lighten up and just write.  I think that all 2 of you that read this have really made my day for stopping in.  Now - go write something - make MY day!  

What I surround myself with...

I love this picture - it's not complete though, because their spouses and children are not pictured here and they are an intricate part of our family unit.  Lucky us.  But for a moment I have to say - DANG... this is one beautiful moment - and YOU KIDS are loved and beautiful.  But sometimes they get put in the big picture and the little intimate moments before we became a much larger family are sometimes forgotten.  This is the original 'us' which brings the most touching moments back to my heart.  Evidence that we didn't kill them is also important.... Proof that they all had braces.... also an excellent observation... but it's what you don't see that is the most important to me.... their spirits.  In a world where they could be anyone they wanted to be - they became so much more than that in so many ways.  I see now - after 30 years of parenting - that every single moment of our lives together are all wrapped up in to one eternal concept - one that will always remain "A Family".  What you don't see here are their hearts and souls - I'm not sure the picture is big enough for that.  Good human beings are so hard to find.  But Hubbie and I found 4 amazing ones in all of the yelling and screaming and grounding and - oh wait - moments of pure bliss.  Life would not be what it is today unless the big guy upstairs put this puzzle together for us.  I can't let another day pass without telling my family how much I love them - and I know that when we were teased for having 4 kids in a world where some want none - I have to just kinda say.... read 'em and weep.  THIS is God's plan right here.... and when you get these things... he sends you these things....

and bits and pieces of perfection like these...

Life - is as beautiful as the people you surround yourself with.

I think I love my surroundings.