I could sure use some pie...

Oh lookie - I'm down to just posting on holidays now.... sad but true, life has taken over.  I guess that means that I'm still alive though right?  The holidays are so sentimental to me - I want to do things a certain way for a certain memory I cling to.  I fret about making it all work out and being able to cover all of the bases.  Fatigue usually sets in and then I get down on myself - even for trying to do something right.  This year all of my beautiful children and their loves will be at their in-laws for Thanksgiving.  Here's what I love about that.... They have married people that have such amazing families that I know that if they are not with me, that they are in the next best place on earth as to people that love them.  I love all of my kids in-laws - we hit the jackpot there folks.  Such amazing people - busy raising amazing kids - and loving my kids along the way.  Tonight my son Ryan's in-laws are here from California.  Since my kids are all away tomorrow, we had a little sit down suppertime together with all of us and the Lowreys.   There was plenty of food and laughs and noise, babies and love.  There was hysterical skyping to WA, and at the heart of it, one sorely missed soldier that we love so much.  It is good to know that tomorrow when they are all away, that I will have tonight's love in my heart.  It is enough.  Tomorrow my brother will host my mom at his house - I know that his home will be filled with her love and her sweet spirit.  I know that she will be warm, and my heart will still ache for her and yet she'll have a wonderful meal and enjoy a perfect day.  I am grateful for that.  It is hard to not be there, but I know it's enough.  I left retail world this year, I've missed posting my Black Friday shopping rant, but not the job.  My new job allows me to come home at night, be it late evening or late late night... feeling like I cared for precious people who depend on me.  It will be the first in 13 years that I haven't cried for 48 hours because of retail Friday... I will still work on Thanksgiving, and where I work now is very hard and demanding, but it is enough.  This past year losing dad was very hard.  It was the beginning of a landslide for me in more ways than one.  I have changed in many ways.  I feel that I have stepped into a dark room and I cannot find the light  On this day - a very very busy day, being totally exhausted, and emotionally drained, I decided to go to the temple first thing this morning before it closed early.  There I felt like there was a tiny bit of love left in my heart to perhaps start over.  I hope it's enough.  I have had a lot of crazy thoughts on face book just for fun this year - it's how I hide my pain - just laughing... but when all is said and done - my family is my life, my loves.  I see them and I say - wow - did I do enough, give them enough, and show them enough to pass on some good things to them?   As I write this I think... it was enough.  They, and their families, are the most amazing human beings I know.  Hang on tight kids.  Don't forget the good things about life.  Show gratitude in all things.  Be  humble in your doings.  Always love each other, always know you are loved.  Remember all I taught you, and forgive me for what I didn't - but most of all remember what you watched me do and pass that on.  I will miss you tomorrow but my heart is happy.... and if you all got a copy of the spread sheet Mandy has put together for 'Holidays - here or there' representing the next 10 years ... I'll see you around the table next year, and we'll kill the fatted turkey.  ... and that will be enough.

Almost Creeper Day....

I do love my Halloween.

I love the color - October - it needs to be a Crayola

boxful of crayons just for Fall.

Today the leaves were so bright I had to almost wear sunglasses.  The wind picked up and the old familiar "Come Little Leaves" song came to my mind and took me back over the many years of memories.  I am a bit confused at times... going to get Halloween candy and finding a small area right next to the Christmas decorations.  Every night I plug in my little purple lights and my plastic pumpkins and shut the lights off.  I absolutely love the glow of the lights together.  I have at least 4 containers of apple juice for cider, and my mugs are all ready to fill with it's cinnamon flavor.  I love caramel apples, and how stick your fingers get after you eat one.  I remember being a lot of different things for Halloween.  My parents couldn't really afford costumes so it was anything goes.  It was fun and creative and exciting.  One year I actually was running to a door to trick or treat and didn't know that they had put up a barbed wire fence to keep someone from falling into the ditch right behind the fence.... it was not a pretty sight when they found me.  I think that the only thing that saved me was the plastic Little Red Riding Hood mask I had on.  The guy at the door ran out and felt awful and gave me extra candy.  (today - would have been a law suit) (but I liked the extra candy)  I always feel bad for Thanksgiving..... not so many decorations, not as creepy and mysterious..... just a turkey.  I think Thanksgiving was jipped on décor things.  Well - time to check the temp on the cider.  I miss the years of being a kid, of watching my kids, and missing seeing my 2 WA grand kids.  But I think I get to see a couple of spooks from the family line on Thursday night.  Be safe out there kiddos, make good memories, write about them, paste a picture or two in a book.  Keep the monsters under the bed at hand, and no matter what...

don't open the closet door.

And the 'D's have it...

 

Yah, so.... kinDa obsesseD with the letter D today.

It's gotta be a FriDay for me to be this crazy.

 

D today represented...

 

All of the 'Do not's" that were texted to me from my work, to the general staff in general.  Even though it has absolutely nothing to do with me - after a long long long week of Doing things right,

I still get the don't do this and don't do that.  How about - amazing work this week - and thanks for all of the sacrifices you've made to make sure it was all done right.... Directors... whaddevah..

 

Deployment - 4th for Mike - really really don't like this D word.  I stand in the mirror and put on my brave face for my beautiful daughter who I know is standing in front of the mirror icing her swollen cry eyes, and what she doesn't know is that I have ice of my own because I can't stop crying either.

 

D represents Dur dur dur... yesterday while cycling - my monitor came off my bike somewhere on the road... when I looked down to calculate my ride, I may have said the "d" word really loud.  I rode back the same way I came and searched the 25 miles of stupid leaves at the side of the road.  darnit.

 

D is a vision in "didn't you have the whole entire day off dear husband and I'm loading the dishwasher (oh look another d word!) after my 9 hour shift?"  Detergent is also a d word.

 

D is a GOOD word because sometimes I call my beautiful Darling grandson Drew.  That's actually the sweetest D word I know.  I also have a fave M, E, and J and T (for tiebreaker) word - but that's for another letter day.

 

D reminds me of Dad - 2 d's in that word.  I have this stupid belief that I still want him to show up at the end of the bed, and tell me that everything will be ok.  But I know somehow in my silly mind that I think he's disappointed in me and will never come say gooD bye.

 

D... really was found in my discouragement this week with myself, my life, my time, my desires to somehow live a different life than I do.  To follow some Dreams.  Is there a D in Vacation?  Haven't haD one of those for many years.  Decided that I'm Destin to be Driving to work every single Day anD passing by those stupid cars loaded with people going to Disneyland and making me saD. 

 

D reminds me of Dementia, or Damentia, and Days gone by of memories lost and Desires to recreate history to preserve it.  Dawning Days of Disbelief. 

 

Oh and Dandilions..... and ocD... because out of no where I thought of those.  I didn't know where they fit in but there they were.  Shiney keys...

 

I have learned something in life thought about D.... it also is the first letter in Duck, and I know that the old saying "like water off a ducks back" is probably just what the Doctor ordered for me.

 

Ranting about the letter D, refreshing to Dump it off in a blog and call it a Day.

(yes.. I did take my Vitamin D today)

 





(thoughts about speaking in church about our mission)(and other painful things)(but not as many as speaking in church about our mission)

Talking in church.

Kind of makes me nervous for this to happen.

Reporting on our Mission tomorrow,

 as it has come to a close for us.

Difficult to leave.

Difficult to come home.

I could spend hours talking about it but

that would make everyone fall asleep.

I do have some funnies to share though.

Wrestling a skunk before church.

Testimony bearing in a beer tee shirt.

Meeting all the multiple personalities... at one time.

2.5 years of yet another day on I-15.

and teeth.   I miss teeth. (people with them)

 

I have some good things too though.

Diamonds found in the rough

Friends to last a lifetime

Humility - in abundance

and of course

Gods hand in all things.

(he's everywhere you know)

 

I would like to be able to say

that being the person called

to hand out hymn books at sacrament meeting,

sounds like the perfect job.

(hope the big guy hears my plea)

 

Can't wait to come home though,

driving 2.5 minutes to get to church,

vs.... an hour.

Almost as good as bacon.

 

My talk is written, it's like this....

Um... talk about the mission.

End.

It's going to be short and sweet.

I told the Bishop that he needed to

have Del talk first... then cut me loose.

I think he's thinking twice about not

signing those extension papers now.

Hope your Sunday tomorrow it a sweet one.

Hope there's a cup holder for my coke

on the pulpit.

We're home.



I love this picture of mom - free and beautiful.

She's in a rest home now - and I'm still not in touch with that choice.

My personal battle.

 

This week I went to see her and take care of the house and yard.  It was conference weekend and I wanted to just snuggle up with her and watch it.  I entered the area she's in and headed to her room.  I passed the big TV room and just by chance glanced in and there she was all alone glued to Conference.  In a place I call hell - this was her heaven.  It took her a minute to be aware that I was even standing there looking at her beautiful face - she was so into the words she was hearing.  This is a big room - and she was the only one with the desire to be in there.  Must say something about her abilities I say.  We laughed, had lunch, looked at blogs and pictures, walked around, and then I settled her back into a giant chair with a snugly blanket and set her up for the next session as I had to get over to the house.  How proud I am of my mother.  How angry I am inside. She has so much life left to live and it's cut off short.  I cannot fix what is happening to my mom - but I always feel that she deserved better than what she got in her kids.  Today I talk with them about just getting a little chair and a TV in her room, I can't seem to explain enough that she needs some familiar things around her.  Time just keeps ticking.

Mom just keeps slipping.

My heart just keeps breaking.

 

But how blessed I am to have a mother that knows her Savior.

He has not left her - she has not left him.

How faithful, how beautiful, how perfect.

Daddy must be so proud that she's his forever.

Her mind may be slipping,

but her heart never will.

 

Dear Funny Cousins.....

I have no idea who these people are - I just thought

it pretty much represented my post today.

Sorry random Google family people

 

So... still no camera - I know a picture is worth a thousand words but I only have a limited bank account.  I had a trip planned to see my mom yesterday and check in with Eric's family and the home where I love to be.  I was running a bit late and thought I would stop and get a sammie at 'The Old Grist Mill' in Logan.  (if I ever die before I'm planning on dying at 65 - would you please serve treats from there?)  I walked in and there sat my cousin Beverly and her family snarfing down random menu items.... I LOVED seeing them - and we talked so loud, and laughed and probably spit food as we talked but who cares.  I love my cousins - my Hill cousin side are all totally crazy people.  Our lives were full of insane vacations because the Aunts were nuts.  They would pile people/kids/dogs/food/lawn chairs in the back of any truck/car/tractor they could find and we would go somewhere Bear Lake/Blacksmith Fork Canyon/Grandpa's Land/Aunt Elda's back yard - and we would be crazy.  We all talked loud and over each other and we belonged to a huge circle of love.  Most of my childhood memories come from the Hill side but I do have a few shout out's to the Bowen side of life - loved them too.  But there was nothing more magical than my memories of playing in the cement ditch in front of Grandpas house watching Penny Bugs and being told (right before we would fall into the ditch) that we were going to fall in the ditch.  I loved the names of my cousins - we were all weird.... Richard, Randy, Darwin, Cindy, Beverly, Geraldine, LuAnn, Craig, Tamra, Shelley, Janet, Kent, LaDawn, Lennis, Caroline, and Eric and I.... we all had a bit o Wellsville twang in our talk because of our parents.  Some settled in Mendon, Logan, Hyrum, and Benson with their parents and then scattered all over the place and then multiplied and made more funny people.  (just wait until I start on my 2nd cousins) We have memories of reunions and actual pictures to prove how crazy we were.  Oh - and please forgive me but heavens sake we were all the most homely looking bunch alive.  But we were HAPPY.  As our parents all have passed away except for my mom - I hope that our cousins will carry on with their children the Bear Lake stories, the Hyrum Parade stories, and the stories told as the Aunts quilted and the kids played underneath those quilt frames.  Sometimes the world can be a lonely place and it only takes a little moment in time when the stars align and you meet your cousin in a small café - and you remember - you belong.  I love all of you first cousins - you carry on the strong genes of life, and love and .... crazy.  xoxoxo  Oh - and just to rub it in... I am the youngest.  (:  (they saved the best for last - even though you tried to shut my head in a suitcase in Vegas and as I was screaming out to the Aunties who were in the kitchen and they shouted back, "There's extra toilet paper in the cupboard!")  Life - live it, love it, pass it on.  Thanks for making my day Beverly and Company!  (BTW - you were the weirdest bunch..... never Eric and I - we were the perfect cousins...... )     (:

Erma Gherd... back to the Jorb...

So this little princess's mommy has to go back to work tomorrow after an amazing Maternity Leave.  Today - I spoke with the mommy that was having a bit of a tough time with what was going to happen tomorrow... I just wanted her to know that daddy's make good mommies too, and that Dusti's make good mommies too.  Little Missy here will be in great hands - loved and protected.  Her mommy is an amazing Chemical Engineer... and little Macadamia will be able to tell her mommy how proud she is of her mom and her amazing talents.  Besides... mommy has the macguffies.... Good Luck tomorrow Ashley - it's ok - you're amazing, she's amazing, Mike's amazing.

It's all Totes Fab.. xoxoxo

Proud of you!!! (:

(so is she)

LOVE YOU ALL!

ok - busted - I love my granddaughter

more than I might love you two (;

maybe...
(kinda not sure how to tell you this,
but this post is my 666th post - should
I have perhaps chosen a different child
to blog about?)
(ha - I think not! xoxox)