I'm kinda in a funk tonight - I feel like things are swirling up in the air and I'm trying to catch glimpses of everything I feel I need to catch before it falls. There's no real central thought - just such random things that maybe if I put the words down and out of my mind I could sleep....
* Laughed so hard at the pictures that Bethany sent me of Emster and Dbug from their Ocean Shores trip. Laughed even harder hearing that Matt only had to be towed from the beach once... and that Bethany was the one that may or may not have said a swear..... and I missed them all over again, and I wanted to hold those little ones and squeeze them tight, and it was hard letting that thought go.
* I loved seeing Ashley this past weekend in Mendon - as she came to her cousins wedding shower. It was a beautiful sight to look over and see her relaxing, and visiting with family, and enjoying the day. I missed Mike - and I wonder if there is any possible way to find that open door again. I spent a lot of time thinking about the person I need to be better at being. I have a long way to go. But I did get to tell my daughter how much I loved her, and my eyes were sweating when I did it.
* So grateful that Mandy, Ryan and Baby J are home from Washington - they've been through an amazing experience together this summer as Ryan has worked his tail off on an Internship through the BYU Law School. I've watched and smiled as their experiences have been memorable, visiting historical places, breathing in our Nations Capitol, and seeing first hand the beauty of a new home, and a new world for the summer. I've worried - about their safety, and about the heat, and a million other things - but I really didn't need to worry - they are amazing and they have grown so much. I get to see Jman on Wednesday for a bit and I think I'll be crying all the way there, I'm missed that little critter, I've missed his mom too.
* I'm excited to see Ryan heading off to BYU. Mandy and Ryan H (we have two Ryan's and Mandy is married to Ryan M) were my only two kids that lived at BYU. Was it because we wanted to kill them and made them move out? Possibly the answer - but no... Mandy lived there because of her music and Ryan is going there because those handsome Missionary sons have a strange time living at home after 2 years of being away. I will miss his hugs. I will miss buying whole milk, chocolate milk mix, hot pockets, granola bars, and watching them disappear in a day or so. I will miss his Priesthood in our home... I felt safe with it here. I am very excited for him though - I can still text and call, and call and text and text and call right? I think he'll be just fine - ok - he did say tonight that he would miss my cooking... (bazinga). I love my Ryan more than he'll ever know.
* I get frustrated at times trying to still be a mom. I know I'll always be a mom, but now that they are all in their 20's - they are into all of the things that I said - "Go and DO!" They have all become that which I had hoped they would become - except they went ahead and excelled in every way MORE than they even dreamed - I always had faith in them. When I see my mom - and I think of the times that I left home to go on my adventures, I never realized the sorrow that I left behind. Not that I was anything special (like my kids are to me), but I see now, as she talks to me of those times I wasn't at home, how difficult that was for my mom. I feel it to the core of my heart now, that sorrow, and strange mix of pride and happiness for my children. But the quiet of the house is about to happen again, the locking of the door after you come in because there isn't anyone left to come home. Setting the table for 2 again. Washing 2 bowls, 2 cups and silverware. It's not like I'm on a pity party - it's just that change is very hard for me. The changes that come from kids growing up and venturing off (or should I say benturing), you want to keep them under your wing - but that means that you take theirs away. Knowing that things will never be the noisy way it was for so many years is difficult. I hope that you little punkers know of all the joy you brought me. Of the laughter and the moments that I thought my soul would burst with pride because of all you have accomplished. I can't wait to hold my 3 grandbabies at the same time in a few weeks - I might just squeeze them until they toot.... yep - actually I think I'll just plan on that..... I will hug my in-law kids and tell them that they are loved. Then one by one kids, I think I'll just hold you all tight for an extra minute before the world steals you away again. I'll think of how soft your hair was as a baby, and how you called out my name a million times over the years, and how I loved to hear what stories you would tell me. I think I'm pretty lucky. I love you all so much.... xoxox Bobby Shew
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