I use to fit into those shoes...

It's quiet in the house this week.  There use to be so much noise that I wished for the day when I could have peace and quiet.  Note to self:  think twice about what you wish for.  When I'm alone I tend to have conversations with my self - and yes, actually answer myself.  It's those times that I feel that I get to know the person I've become now at this point of my life.  I use to be a daughter, a vital part of a family that lived in a home where there were things to be done, chores to do, pianos to practice, dances to learn, and things to grow.  I use to be, a student, active and involved and never stopping, and setting goals and working towards them.  I use to be a wife, trying to plan meals and making plans for a home and trips and adventures and service.  I use to be a mother, with never ending days of schedules and messes and joy and laughter.  I then became a mother in law - grateful and always in awe.  Eventually I became a grandmother, proud, and amazed and in awe at a new generation.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm none of those things anymore.  I look in the mirror and see a total stranger, someone longing to belong and be of any help to others anymore.  I think the hardest memory to try to keep is that of being a vital part of my children's lives.  They are grown, successful and amazing and independent - just like I knew they would be.  It's not easy to give them advise - because they are living and growing and becoming their own worlds.  I hope that my comments to them about life are somewhat taken as good.  I hope that when I make suggestions it's because I've never really known any other role to them as just being the mom.  I hope that they would feel that something about anything I may say be found as important.  The fine line between parenting and then being not the parent is pretty fine.  I loved my oldest son's comment to me - it was amazing and original and exactly how our family rolls.... "Mom we're all grown up now - and having sex and everything...."  Oh my gosh - I laughed my butt off.  So tonight as I'm sitting here - I hear myself rattling off the things that I would say to the kids each night - to fill the void of a quiet night.

 

eat your beans

your socks don't go there

your assignment is due when?

who's turn is it to put gas in the car?

why were you up so late?

have you brushed your teeth?

the dishwasher doesn't empty itself

please don't eat all the cookies

did you get your lunch money?

drive safe

be home on time

remember that one day,

you'll remember something

 I may have said and you'll know

that I may not have known anything,

but I sure tried as hard as I could

and you'll laugh because

you finally get what

I was trying to say.

Most of all

know you were loved