First day of a big step

I can't say much about what I'm doing right now.

My family knows, some of my friends.

I've made a choice to do something,

maybe start something,

without a safety net.

 

It's scaring me.

 

I'm older

 Memory retention is at 10%

Warp speed is broken

Funding is missing

Confidence is lacking

 

So I'm relying on a line

from a movie...

it's what the Hillary's

fall back on right?

 

"What day is it?"

"Someday" she says,

"It's Someday"

I use to fit into those shoes...

It's quiet in the house this week.  There use to be so much noise that I wished for the day when I could have peace and quiet.  Note to self:  think twice about what you wish for.  When I'm alone I tend to have conversations with my self - and yes, actually answer myself.  It's those times that I feel that I get to know the person I've become now at this point of my life.  I use to be a daughter, a vital part of a family that lived in a home where there were things to be done, chores to do, pianos to practice, dances to learn, and things to grow.  I use to be, a student, active and involved and never stopping, and setting goals and working towards them.  I use to be a wife, trying to plan meals and making plans for a home and trips and adventures and service.  I use to be a mother, with never ending days of schedules and messes and joy and laughter.  I then became a mother in law - grateful and always in awe.  Eventually I became a grandmother, proud, and amazed and in awe at a new generation.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm none of those things anymore.  I look in the mirror and see a total stranger, someone longing to belong and be of any help to others anymore.  I think the hardest memory to try to keep is that of being a vital part of my children's lives.  They are grown, successful and amazing and independent - just like I knew they would be.  It's not easy to give them advise - because they are living and growing and becoming their own worlds.  I hope that my comments to them about life are somewhat taken as good.  I hope that when I make suggestions it's because I've never really known any other role to them as just being the mom.  I hope that they would feel that something about anything I may say be found as important.  The fine line between parenting and then being not the parent is pretty fine.  I loved my oldest son's comment to me - it was amazing and original and exactly how our family rolls.... "Mom we're all grown up now - and having sex and everything...."  Oh my gosh - I laughed my butt off.  So tonight as I'm sitting here - I hear myself rattling off the things that I would say to the kids each night - to fill the void of a quiet night.

 

eat your beans

your socks don't go there

your assignment is due when?

who's turn is it to put gas in the car?

why were you up so late?

have you brushed your teeth?

the dishwasher doesn't empty itself

please don't eat all the cookies

did you get your lunch money?

drive safe

be home on time

remember that one day,

you'll remember something

 I may have said and you'll know

that I may not have known anything,

but I sure tried as hard as I could

and you'll laugh because

you finally get what

I was trying to say.

Most of all

know you were loved

 

tha dentisth, and osther numbing eventfs

there are few things that kinda really creep me out

this...

and this...

so - today was the day it seemed like I spent

time with both of these.

I had a good bye party for my back top tooth.

When I had my boating accident - my jaw was

wired shut - and the wires still show up on all of

the x-rays.  It's always fun to tell a new dentist about

that fun time, and watch him cringe.

My fear of the 'D' word began at a young age.

My dentists nurse person wore one of those frightening

nurses hats.  She totally creeped me out.  My dentist didn't believe in

pain free dentistry.  He drilled into one of my nerves once... and only once

because I bit him.

He slapped me.

My mom took me out of the chair,

and walked out.

(yet another reason I love her)

I know dentists are humans too,

but old creepy dentists give new hot sexy dentists,

a tough time.  Hopefully Dr. Porter is dead now.

I hope they pulled all of his teeth before he died.

I liked my new dentist today - He was amazing.

I appreciated that.

But thanks to this....

I enjoyed all 12 of his beautiful eyes.

I also had my I-Pod on loud,

It started out with the Conference Reports...

when I kinda came to...

I was listening to Jim Gaffagin.

Booyah.

Rinse and spit,

don't forget to floss.

Here's your new toothbrush.

(seriously eventually your face

will come back, I promise,

I'm a dentist)



84 - and still rockin it.

We look basically awful - and tired

but it didn't matter - it was party day.

I was reading my  brother's tribute to my mother and decided that,

I haven't got that much talent.

But I do know that these two people here,

are the luckiest people on earth to have each other.

Mom turned 84 on Sunday.

She's the last one left of her entire family here on earth.

Her heart aches for them,

but her soul is here still loving us.

We gathered together - our little families,

and fed the 5000 with 3 loaves of bread.

We looked at each other, and my brother Eric
and I knew beyond a doubt,
that on this earth, and beyond,

we've been loved.

We gathered her 80 plus

year old friends -

These are the classiest ladies I've ever seen.

They are the dearest friends to my mom,

 and they've been a part of my life

since the moment I arrived on earth

Betty Bartlett, Rae Leishman, Junie Tunes, and Gerri Maurer

.Hot chicks - eating burgers and drinkin Diet Coke.
Joy

There are no words to declare

so much love for one human being,

than I have for you.

Happy Birthday Mom!

 

WE ARE FAMILY

I heart my mom

If you remember nothing at all,

remember that.



The Spontaneous life

So I know that about 5 people read my blog - oh and that one person from the Netherlands.  It's ok - I don't mind - mostly I just wanted to see if I could go a month and post each day.  When I was a Senior at Sky View High (35 years ago this year) I had the most amazing Creative Writing teacher.  Mrs. Pat Clarke.  I had taken my college level English classes (I know you can find at least 15 errors in my grammar)(and I don't care) (:  Her class was right after my Competitive Sports class - in which I would have run, jumped, tackled, lifted, sprinted again and again and maybe improved a tiny bit each day.  I would come into her class exhausted - because I had to be at the school at 6 am for practices and the second round of running, jumping... well you know.  Each day she posted a topic on the board and for the first 15 minutes of class we were to write without stopping about the topic - empty our brains out on paper.... because Apple and HP were not invented yet.  Those are some of my most treasured works of writing.  There I was not an adult but not a child, choices, and challenges, and such a busy life.  It saved me to sit there and write.  Then she would ask us what the most important sentence we had written was, and why.  Some days there were tearful lines, others funny, some life changing.  It was also where I learned of those that took that class with me.  Their inner thoughts, their opinions and goals.  It changed me as a person to be with those people, writing those papers, in the moments of my Senior year.  They were Spontaneous Mini Thoughts.... Mrs. Clarke told me, "One day Nicole, you will be at a time in your life when you will remember these days, and these exercises in writing - and you will once again write in this manner."  Oh how I wish I could tell her the many times it's changed the outlook of my life for the good.  So... you're wondering if these are the real serious thoughts of my mind... no - they are just fun things that came to my mind and once you have one thought - you can't change the topic so I would just write.  But aside from that - in a protected place - I have written again for 15 minutes a day, 35 years later, thoughts that when put down on paper and taken from my mind and heart, have saved me yet again.  Take a moment - write it down - leave it there - then fill your mind again.  One day - my kids will read my journals and I hope they understand me better.  I spend so much time on the history of my family, and I forget that someday I'll be part of that history.  Sometimes writing about the major events of life seem so overbearing and burdensome - it's been fun to just take a moment and write something absolutely, how do I say... um oh ya - spontaneous...

Spontaneous Mini Thought for the ah ha moment of May

so my favorite line of the day was...

 

"You know that show where the guy dies and they are having his funeral and his son decides to play Freebird with his rock band at the funeral and they release a huge white seagull piñata and it accidentally starts on fire as it passes over the crowd and the son just keeps saying JUST PLAY ON, as the sprinklers start up to put the massive fire out?"

My Asian answers no...

My Special Needs friend says...

"Elizabethtown?"

 

Hands down

she wins the prize.

 

Thought of the day:

Make sure they don't

let any flying seagulls

come to my funeral.

Spontaneous Mini Thoughts for the Grandkids of May

Today

I was just

checking on

where my

heart was

wandering

to....

and I

found it

here...

and here...

and here...

 

 and here...

 

I mean I love my kids..

but their offspring...

Take my breath away.

 

Thought of the day:

How about we

start having them

two at a time?

(just for fun?)

(double our numbers?)

 

(I heart you A.E.J.M.)