Just need a little time...

The world has exploded on me.  I have watched the pieces of my heart fall off and crash to the ground.  I'm not ready to talk about it yet - I'm not really myself right now.  There is a lot of anger.  But healing over the top of that is faith.  Just give me a little time and my new heart will talk about it.  Before the world crashed God sent me a priceless gift that has been waiting to meet my blogging world... So today celebrate the wee little princess that graces my life as my precious wealth of grandchildren arrive on this earth - this year... I get a bonus round in December  (any guesses?)

Thank you Mike and Ashley for giving me a bit of heaven so close to sending someone there.

My beautiful preggo Ash

Mackenzie (macadamia) (chickadee)

 

A few thoughts about our world right now....

Eric Bowen

• When you stop and think of just how important families really are, it is significant to know that it all starts with goodly parents... We are the seeds and they are the garden... They water us with love and compassion and protect from weeds and insects... Then we grow and mature and we become the fruits or vegetable in that garden and we share ourselves with others as to what we have become... Then is is our turn and the garden grows older and moves on for the next planting...
  
  Yesterday, we learned just how precious that garden is as my 83 yr old father has taken a turn for the worse after being disabled by transverse miolitis some 13 years ago... The last two days he has fought to hold on with labored and rattled breathing even though we have reassured him that we are fine and that is OK to go...
  
  This old tough Marine has fought a good fight and continues on even when we left tonite...
  
  The most difficult thing is that I just couldn't tell mom about it yet... She likewise has been sick and coughing and sleeping all the time... she just doesn't feel good either... Today at the doctor we learned that she has pneumonia in her right lung... The doctor said that she needed to go the hospital now and then I told him that her husband was at death's door... This compassionate doctor gave her a shot of Amoxicillin and a prescription to follow through with it because SHE had to be with her husband... with a mask on, but she needed to be there... Should she get worse, it is off to the hospital...
  
  This was the most wonderful experience that could have ever happened... After the doctor and lunch we went to the Sunshine Terrace to see dad... Before we went in, I explained to mom that dad had been sick a couple of days and not to shocked with what she saw... She said that she would be OK.... Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face as I escorted my mother arm in arm down the hall to where my dad was struggling so... As she entered the room, she was calm and loving... I was a mess... She walked over to his air gasping body and place one had on his shoulder and one on his face where he lied in bed and just looked at...
  
  I told her that dad was not doing well and that it was time for him to go home... Tearfully, she said the most marvelous and loving thing... She said, "Yes, I know that it is time.... it's time for Freddie to go home... Whatever the Lord wants, he can have."
  
  SHE KNEW!!! She accepted it, and although she was sad at that thought, this remarkable woman was ready to let go... Can I tell you just how comforting that was to me??? Do you realize just how much I fretted telling her??? She already know... It that spirit touching spirit, or what???
  
  A ten or fifteen minute visit turned into four hours of reminiscing and remembering... My sister, Nicole, was on speaker phone and we all felt of each other's pain... but gloried in the moment...
  
  Many wonderful and spiritual things have occurred the last two days, and these are too sacred to mention here but we know from whence we came, where we are doing here and where we can go... His Plan reigns triumphant!!!
  
  So on this night and I prepare to post this writing and prepare myself for the passing of my great father, Frederick David Bowen, I give thanks for the opportunity I have had to be with my dad, and even more important (should my dad pass during the night) it the fact that mom got to see her husband for one last time... And may your prayers be with my mom tonight... She needs your prayers and strength...
  
  I love you dad and I love you mom... Please Dad... Go home.... It's time to see your loved ones on the other side... If I am not there when you go, let it be known that you have forged me into what you wanted me be and I thank you... Good night, Dad.

Nicole Bowen Hillary:

Well - I guess I'll be speaking first - because I won't be able to after you do. It's 12:05 AM... dad has made it through to another day - I've got his fishing reel all set up - and pulled out his hip boots - just waiting for Uncle Bob, Grandma and Grandpa Bowen and maybe even Grandma and Grandpa Hill to show up here. Sunshine Terrace - you hired the most compassionate and tender nurses and CNA's. I arrived at 10:45 after making sure my affairs were straight at home. They have a blanket here for me - some snacks and they are just as emotional as I am. The spirit in the room here is because my brother made sure it was here.... Rick Shelton and the Bishop gave mom a blessing - and the spirit is so strong. This is now a sacred place - a place where the other side is nearby and the hand of our families on the other side will reach through and take him home. Fishing pole, hip boots and all. I know he's still here because he pushes his cheek into my hand when I tell him I'm here. He's so handsome. He's such a gift. I talked with Eric today about what we have learned. We have learned a deeper kind of devotion, love, and acceptance of the Lords plan on this earth. Sometimes I think that perhaps he had a talk with God before he came to earth and said... "If you'll just give me a little spot of land, a few animals, a beautiful wife, a little house, a couple of kids and give me a few wonderful years with them... I'll spend the last 12 years as you need me to spend them. Both of them held up to their end of the deal. It was hard being far away today - but the closeness of our family through our words to each other - was priceless. We read the last verse in Enos... we believe that. As I sit here with him... his heart is racing, and his breathing is kinda freakin me out (: why are you still here dad - is the only question I have left for God. Are they to leave together? We've talked about that - Eric and I. We've said, when one goes - the other will follow quickly. Dad has such a crush on mom...and she loved to irritate him by putting coconut on his chocolate cake. He said it tasted like cardboard. We weren't sure if he meant the coconut or the cake. It's pretty close to the time that we will gather our families, and our memories and we will dress up in our best clothes to honor him. We will say our words of comfort for each other, and we'll sing only one song (because dad hated, loathed, barfed over musicals) and then we'll gather at the base of those Mendon Mountains and we'll stand there hand in hand to say good bye. I'm sure that it will be hot standing there in our hip boots.... but for dad - it'll be worth it. I'm waiting Grandma Bowen..... daddy is ready. Come on in...but leave me a butterfly kiss on the way out so I know it was you. Love you Eric, Love you Mom... Love you Dad.

First day of a big step

I can't say much about what I'm doing right now.

My family knows, some of my friends.

I've made a choice to do something,

maybe start something,

without a safety net.

 

It's scaring me.

 

I'm older

 Memory retention is at 10%

Warp speed is broken

Funding is missing

Confidence is lacking

 

So I'm relying on a line

from a movie...

it's what the Hillary's

fall back on right?

 

"What day is it?"

"Someday" she says,

"It's Someday"

I use to fit into those shoes...

It's quiet in the house this week.  There use to be so much noise that I wished for the day when I could have peace and quiet.  Note to self:  think twice about what you wish for.  When I'm alone I tend to have conversations with my self - and yes, actually answer myself.  It's those times that I feel that I get to know the person I've become now at this point of my life.  I use to be a daughter, a vital part of a family that lived in a home where there were things to be done, chores to do, pianos to practice, dances to learn, and things to grow.  I use to be, a student, active and involved and never stopping, and setting goals and working towards them.  I use to be a wife, trying to plan meals and making plans for a home and trips and adventures and service.  I use to be a mother, with never ending days of schedules and messes and joy and laughter.  I then became a mother in law - grateful and always in awe.  Eventually I became a grandmother, proud, and amazed and in awe at a new generation.  Sometimes, I feel like I'm none of those things anymore.  I look in the mirror and see a total stranger, someone longing to belong and be of any help to others anymore.  I think the hardest memory to try to keep is that of being a vital part of my children's lives.  They are grown, successful and amazing and independent - just like I knew they would be.  It's not easy to give them advise - because they are living and growing and becoming their own worlds.  I hope that my comments to them about life are somewhat taken as good.  I hope that when I make suggestions it's because I've never really known any other role to them as just being the mom.  I hope that they would feel that something about anything I may say be found as important.  The fine line between parenting and then being not the parent is pretty fine.  I loved my oldest son's comment to me - it was amazing and original and exactly how our family rolls.... "Mom we're all grown up now - and having sex and everything...."  Oh my gosh - I laughed my butt off.  So tonight as I'm sitting here - I hear myself rattling off the things that I would say to the kids each night - to fill the void of a quiet night.

 

eat your beans

your socks don't go there

your assignment is due when?

who's turn is it to put gas in the car?

why were you up so late?

have you brushed your teeth?

the dishwasher doesn't empty itself

please don't eat all the cookies

did you get your lunch money?

drive safe

be home on time

remember that one day,

you'll remember something

 I may have said and you'll know

that I may not have known anything,

but I sure tried as hard as I could

and you'll laugh because

you finally get what

I was trying to say.

Most of all

know you were loved

 

tha dentisth, and osther numbing eventfs

there are few things that kinda really creep me out

this...

and this...

so - today was the day it seemed like I spent

time with both of these.

I had a good bye party for my back top tooth.

When I had my boating accident - my jaw was

wired shut - and the wires still show up on all of

the x-rays.  It's always fun to tell a new dentist about

that fun time, and watch him cringe.

My fear of the 'D' word began at a young age.

My dentists nurse person wore one of those frightening

nurses hats.  She totally creeped me out.  My dentist didn't believe in

pain free dentistry.  He drilled into one of my nerves once... and only once

because I bit him.

He slapped me.

My mom took me out of the chair,

and walked out.

(yet another reason I love her)

I know dentists are humans too,

but old creepy dentists give new hot sexy dentists,

a tough time.  Hopefully Dr. Porter is dead now.

I hope they pulled all of his teeth before he died.

I liked my new dentist today - He was amazing.

I appreciated that.

But thanks to this....

I enjoyed all 12 of his beautiful eyes.

I also had my I-Pod on loud,

It started out with the Conference Reports...

when I kinda came to...

I was listening to Jim Gaffagin.

Booyah.

Rinse and spit,

don't forget to floss.

Here's your new toothbrush.

(seriously eventually your face

will come back, I promise,

I'm a dentist)



84 - and still rockin it.

We look basically awful - and tired

but it didn't matter - it was party day.

I was reading my  brother's tribute to my mother and decided that,

I haven't got that much talent.

But I do know that these two people here,

are the luckiest people on earth to have each other.

Mom turned 84 on Sunday.

She's the last one left of her entire family here on earth.

Her heart aches for them,

but her soul is here still loving us.

We gathered together - our little families,

and fed the 5000 with 3 loaves of bread.

We looked at each other, and my brother Eric
and I knew beyond a doubt,
that on this earth, and beyond,

we've been loved.

We gathered her 80 plus

year old friends -

These are the classiest ladies I've ever seen.

They are the dearest friends to my mom,

 and they've been a part of my life

since the moment I arrived on earth

Betty Bartlett, Rae Leishman, Junie Tunes, and Gerri Maurer

.Hot chicks - eating burgers and drinkin Diet Coke.
Joy

There are no words to declare

so much love for one human being,

than I have for you.

Happy Birthday Mom!

 

WE ARE FAMILY

I heart my mom

If you remember nothing at all,

remember that.



The Spontaneous life

So I know that about 5 people read my blog - oh and that one person from the Netherlands.  It's ok - I don't mind - mostly I just wanted to see if I could go a month and post each day.  When I was a Senior at Sky View High (35 years ago this year) I had the most amazing Creative Writing teacher.  Mrs. Pat Clarke.  I had taken my college level English classes (I know you can find at least 15 errors in my grammar)(and I don't care) (:  Her class was right after my Competitive Sports class - in which I would have run, jumped, tackled, lifted, sprinted again and again and maybe improved a tiny bit each day.  I would come into her class exhausted - because I had to be at the school at 6 am for practices and the second round of running, jumping... well you know.  Each day she posted a topic on the board and for the first 15 minutes of class we were to write without stopping about the topic - empty our brains out on paper.... because Apple and HP were not invented yet.  Those are some of my most treasured works of writing.  There I was not an adult but not a child, choices, and challenges, and such a busy life.  It saved me to sit there and write.  Then she would ask us what the most important sentence we had written was, and why.  Some days there were tearful lines, others funny, some life changing.  It was also where I learned of those that took that class with me.  Their inner thoughts, their opinions and goals.  It changed me as a person to be with those people, writing those papers, in the moments of my Senior year.  They were Spontaneous Mini Thoughts.... Mrs. Clarke told me, "One day Nicole, you will be at a time in your life when you will remember these days, and these exercises in writing - and you will once again write in this manner."  Oh how I wish I could tell her the many times it's changed the outlook of my life for the good.  So... you're wondering if these are the real serious thoughts of my mind... no - they are just fun things that came to my mind and once you have one thought - you can't change the topic so I would just write.  But aside from that - in a protected place - I have written again for 15 minutes a day, 35 years later, thoughts that when put down on paper and taken from my mind and heart, have saved me yet again.  Take a moment - write it down - leave it there - then fill your mind again.  One day - my kids will read my journals and I hope they understand me better.  I spend so much time on the history of my family, and I forget that someday I'll be part of that history.  Sometimes writing about the major events of life seem so overbearing and burdensome - it's been fun to just take a moment and write something absolutely, how do I say... um oh ya - spontaneous...