Random Whinings, and Other Distractions

My son just came in and sad on the bed - he looked at me and said, "Mom, is everyone just having a bad day?"  Our house was quiet and somewhat sullen today.  I thought about that comment a lot - he's so thoughtful - his desire is to make sure that everyone has a better day and he was trying his best today here at home.  I'm not - actually having a bad day, just a difficult day.  The world seems bigger today, and the weight of some personal issues seems just outrageously difficult to accomplish.  We are asked in our church to serve, and serve and serve.  Somedays you just start serving and on into the day and into the late nights, and then I look in the mirror at my exhausted eyes and ask, wow - did you do ANY good in the world today?  Most of the time there is a beginning and an end.  I have been searching for the end part, but that is so far down the road for me.  I am reminded that to serve is the best thing I can do in my life to insure happiness.  If I give it all away to someone else, then the Lord gives me more strength the next day.  I would love to just get away for a bit.  I would love to find a place where the phone does not ring, my heart is at peace and my body is not so very very tired.  I wish I could play again, and laugh, and be with friends.  It's just not on the 'agenda of life' right now.  But, never the less, the next day - I get up and start again.  I look at the life of my mom - who will be 83 this year, and her life of service.  Her soul is so strong - why would I not want that for me?  I have this little girl in me that still is selfish, I need to break away from that.  I still want to play sports, and ski, and hike, and garden, and scrapbook, and be with my grandkids.  I still want to see things in the world, and eat strange foods, and actually go to school again.  But in my life there is this great big 'back burner' that I've put those things into to simmer.  My bucket list... sits in the corner empty, because I dare not dream.  In a time of remembering the great sacrifices of the Lord, I need to be better at seeing that cup half full.  Ok - so most days it's only about 1/4 full, because someone wanted a 1/4 of a cup of something or other from me.  But I do know that on those awful nights of exhaustion, and frustration, and dissapointment and giving...the... very... last.. of.... me.... I am held tenderly by God.  He does know of my efforts, my worries, and my dissapointments in myself.  The phone is ringing, there is someone somewhere needing something.... and yes.... I will answer it with an open heart.  So to my son I say - nope - it's going to be an ok day - why?  Because after all - last time I spoke with Heavenly Father, he reminded me that I was his daughter, and deeply loved.